Psalm 139. and pregnancy #4

It took us many months to decide if we would try to get pregnant again.  When the conversation started to get more real, I made a doctor's appointment. I talked to my doctor, and when we started going over my history I cried.  I apologized, and said that that wasn't really like me.  I couldn't believe how overwhelmed I felt to be sitting in a doctor's office, talking about being pregnant again. I'd spent the last 2 1/2 years in a blissful mommy world where I wasn't taking pregnancy tests, or getting my blood drawn, or always wondering what would happen next.  After that doctor's appointment we waited a few months, and did some fertility testing. Those tests came back normal. (which was great news. except for we were still left with no answers)  I had gotten very comfortable living in this place where I felt "in control" (which is a joke of course), and as much as I wanted another baby… I wasn't sure I was ready to step out from there. We decided that in 2015, we would  "see what happens".

but before I could even chicken out, I was standing in my bathroom on a Sunday morning in February holding a positive pregnancy test, deciding if I should wake Wade up to tell him, or just give myself an hour for the shock to wear off. 
 
We were so thankful, and excited. getting pregnant wasn't always that easy for us.
But I was scared. Scared of how this pregnancy would end. Scared of having 3 kids 4 and under. Scared to find out how much anxiety would come along with each week of pregnancy, and how I would cope with that.

Psalm 139: 13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

But before that, in verses 11 & 12 it says…

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

I had always skipped over those verses before. Surely the darkness will hide me? The light become night around me? Those were the exact things I was thinking this time…. because along with a positive pregnancy test, for me… comes darkness. 
I know God doesn't make mistakes, but if He gave us another baby, just to take it away, could I still believe that His "works are wonderful"?  If everything went wrong, would I still know He was good?


I was (and still am) sometimes stricken with fear about this pregnancy.  I am fighting the urge to allow myself to be filled with anxiety, because there are no guarantees. It doesn't matter what the statistics say, or how many online forums I read, or how much morning sickness I have. I am being faced daily with a choice of succumbing to the fear of another loss, or choosing joy in this new life He gave.

"even the darkness will not be dark to you...for darkness is light to you"


at 12 weeks, our little babe was moving like crazy. We could see its nose, fingers, knees, and little heart beating away. The doctor told us his goal for us is to have a "boring pregnancy", and he said this looks about as boring as it comes.

Had we never known the darkness around us, we surely could not enjoy the light.
Even the brightest light would not seem to shine the same, had we never known the darkness before it.
This baby, this pregnancy, is that much sweeter.
that much brighter
because while I still sometimes have moments in darkness, that dark can become the light, with the right perspective of who God is.  

"Adoration makes walking with God more than just reacting to a series of externals. Adoration calls the circumstance, no matter how high or low, into proper submission in our hearts. Adoration roots us in a reality that no amount of pain and no amount of blessing can shake. Adoration steadies us. It repatterns our thinking. Adoration aligns us under Him. This is the place where life is found."
–Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, by Sara Hagerty

To the Mom who has lost a child,

I recently wrote this letter for our local newspaper, for moms who have lost a child… as part of series of "mom topics" that are not commonly talked openly about.

To the mom who has lost a child,
It's probably still hard to believe that this happened to you. This kind of bad stuff only happens to someone else. But here you are; empty handed, broken hearted, because this baby that you loved so much, and desperately wanted, is gone. I know how it feels. It wasn't supposed to happen to me either. This wasn't the way I had planned for my pregnancy to go. It wasn't supposed to end like this.

I know a piece of you is gone now. If your loss is recent, you still have no idea how you will ever feel like yourself again. Here is the thing: You probably won't. You are not the same as you were before. And right now, that is not comforting, because when the grief is fresh and so intense you cannot breathe, you only wish you could go back. But trust me when I say the new you can be a better version. This loss will make you softer and more understanding...if you let it.

Good things can come from the brokenness. God brings redemption through our stories, like He brings spring after the winter. This winter, this season of loss, may be long. It may be the loneliest time of your life, because it feels like no one understands. Be honest with yourself about your grief. It may feel different than you thought it would, or than how someone else did. But each life (not matter how short) deserves to be grieved. As others around you move on and forget, it's okay for you to linger there. Never feel guilty about how you grieve, because a mother's love doesn't know height, or depth, or length of time.

God can redeem your story, and heal you brokenness, because He too loved your baby. And He loves you too much to leave you broken. When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece.... then, when you are finally put back together, you're different. The scars you are left with are a reminder of not only what was lost, but also of all you have to lose.  Now you can love differently. Better. Because you know just how fragile life is.
so when you feel like you can't keep going because you miss your baby so much, please don't stop. Chose to find joy IN the frailty of life, because God is still good. You may have to look harder for it today, but maybe tomorrow it will be easier to find.
There are better days ahead. Spring is coming.

Easter Surprise

  These two can't wait to be big sisters in October!

spring chicken

This was the day the tiny, 2 sweet yellow chicks came to our house.  They were so calm, and quiet.

Fast forward a week, and Sky & Chick-a-leta (too much Paw Patrol) are wild and crazy. Squawking, pecking, and pooping everywhere in sight. Good thing they will reach their final destination of the farm on Sunday. It is a task just to catch one in the box, and hold it still enough for the girls to pet it. it's almost comical how afraid of the chicks Lola is. She is a dare devil, and doesn't really seem to be afraid of anything… but apparently a tiny yellow bird with freakishly large feet she does not appreciate. I was a little bit afraid she would squeeze one to death, so it's probably in the best interest of the birds that Lola remains afraid.
We're going to tell the girls that the chicks delivered the eggs for their Easter baskets on Easter morning, but I have a feeling our smarty pants 3 year old will see right through that story.