April 27

From the words of my devotional calendar today:

”You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13

Think on those words. You were knitted together. You aren’t an accident. You weren’t mass-produced. You aren’t an assembly line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on this earth by the Master Crafts-man… In a system that ranks value of a human by the figure of his salary or the shape of her legs, let me tell you something: Jesus’ plan is a reason for joy! 

-Max Lucado

Ebb & flow

Where have I been? {not blogging so much, sorry for that.}
I’ve been feeling “off” lately with writing.. it hasn’t been coming easily and that frustrates me.
It’s partially due to that fact that this baby has taken over my life, and so much of this is not blog-able: partially due to the fact that I feel like I have more important things to be doing with my last days where “wife” is my most poignant title.
I know my alone time with Wade is fleeting, and I intend to spend as much quality time with him as possible in the next month. 
I’m hoping that this feeling “off” where I don’t know what to write about will turn around into being full of inspiration, and insight, and clear and clever words to write. It’s kind of the ebb and flow of life. Sometime you’re creative and inspired, and sometime you just kinda… keep moving along. You gotta do the mundane stuff to prepare for the life changing stuff. One would never exist with out the other.  You can’t appreciate the sunshine until you’ve been through the cloudy day…

So today, here is the mundane:

I guess you could call it nesting.  
I’ve been attempting to rearrange my whole house. 
Soon these frames will be filled with the sweet face of baby girl…
until then we get to enjoy the hodgepodge of the frames I took from literally every room of the house and hung on this wall.
I’ve been wanting to do this for a year
… and because of some unlikely yet lucky circumstances I became the proud mother of Rotisserie & Schezwan.

I’ll let you figure this one out for yourself.
(Wade says I’m in big trouble because pay back is coming… I happen to think I’m like the coolest aunt ever )

No worries… no animals were harmed in the making of the Easter present.
She loved them as much as I hoped she would.

operation girlify nursery is in full force.  

told you you could hot glue lace to almost anything.
I’m embracing the cloudy, mundane days this week. I’m making the most of them, and taking it in stride as we wait with anticipation for the days that will rock our world. {5 weeks til birth day in case you were wondering..grin} We know that soon the clouds will part, and the sun will shine.
I have a feeling it will be the kind of sunshine we’ve never known.

home sick

Time seems to have stopped.
I am trying desperately to will the minutes into hours, into days. I mark off the days on my calendar, and yet I long to be to day 50, and when day 50 comes, I’m longing for day 40. I yearn for these milestone days, and for the “x”s to continue to line up in a pattern moving me one day closer to meeting my girl.

I will the time to continue at its own, steady pace, for both my excitement to grow, and for my fears to ease. Each day that passes, I feel like I have escaped another day of tragedy, and on the other side of the “what if”  coin, being one day closer to the best day of my life.  This adoption process has been too good to be true. I will be the first to say it. {and I will admit that I am waiting for the sky to fall, just a little bit} I hate to tell anyone that we only waited 7 days to be picked by a birth family, when there are people who wait years to be chosen. I will not be pretentious and believe that in some way we deserve this baby. We don’t. and sometimes this world wants us to believe we do. We could never be worthy, and yet I know that when He is ready, God will grant us the desires of our heart.

1 Samuel 1:27:  For this child we prayed, and he granted what I have asked of him.  

at this point, the best way to describe the way I’m feeling is homesick.
I miss her. and yet I’ve never met her. My arms ache to have her in them.
And so for today, and the next 46 days we will  pray for her.  
{ praying… 
for her health.  
for her birth mom; peace. strength. grace. love.
for the social workers involved in our adoption. and all adoptions. 
for our anxiety. for us preparing to be parents.
for our sweet girl to know that she is loved.
for her birth mom to know that she is loved.
God is good. } 

Along with painting my kitchen cupboard with chalkboard paint,  I’ve been girlifying her room.. can’t wait to show you.

p.s. you can hot glue lace to almost anything

things I’m a lovin

I feel disheveled. 
and lately I’m just an absentminded mess. Unorganized-mismatched socks-forgot to buy milk at the store today when ours is expired-haven’t used a cook book in weeks-dried food stuck to the kitchen counter-laundry stayed in the washer so long it totally reeks and I needed to rewash the clothes… mess.

Normally I thrive on being on a schedule. Being organized. Having a list of the meals I’m going to make, the rooms I’m going to clean on certain days, having a perfect color coded calendar on our fridge… control freak.

Please excuse my absentmindedness, but lately (I’m embarrassed to say) busyness has won out. Blogging has taken a back seat too I’m afraid. I’ve given into the temptation to do more, get more ready, be prepared, check things off the never ending list running constantly through my mind…
Busyness has to be my biggest temptation…and it clearly comes hand in hand with trying to be a Martha Stewart kind of house wife.  Martha Stewart, ha. Lately I’m happy if we have clean underwear, and a frozen pizza in the freezer to eat for lunch.

And while my mind is on hiatus from anything Martha worthy, I’ve been enjoy a few other things.

Today I’m lovin…

(insert picture in your mind here. My computer is out to get me today, and I give up trying to upload more pictures)

…that the tulips in the neighbors yard are starting to peek through the dark dirt to remind us that spring is a comin.
(and notice those are in the neighbors yard because I forgot to plant some in my flower box, again.  You have to plant tulips in the fall, for them to grow in the spring. I mean come on. I’ve forgotten for 3 years now, but who’s counting.)

…that this week Wade and I went on our first date, 4 years ago. 
(this picture was taken a few weeks later)
We had a night with our youth group a few weeks ago where we talked about relationships… the girls(13 and 14 year olds) could ask us any questions they wanted. (scary) One of the questions was, “when did you know that you wanted to marry your husband?” my answer… before I even started dating him. Of course I had to go on a few dates to find out for sure, but I knew he was the kind of person I wanted in my life every single day.  We went on a date when he was home for Easter 4 years ago, and never looked back.  

…that our friends, the Van Rulers, are going to be parents.  They got “the call” last week that a birth mom had chosen them, and we could not have been more excited for them. This baby is the answer to their prayers, and he or she is so lucky to be coming into this amazing family. Little Miss Kroeze is going to have a playmate born only weeks after her. Check out how cute they are HERE.

…that we got to celebrate Bailey’s 3rd birthday a few weeks ago. (okay so it was a month ago, I told you I’ve been absentminded) Miss Bailey Ann you keep us laughing. You have so much personality, and we love your independence. We are so lucky to be your uncle and aunt.

… that I ate half a bag of these stupid things. I would never buy a candy bar and sit on the couch and eat it all at once, are you kidding? But when you can walk by, and take one bite at a time it doesn’t seem nearly as bad. Until you realize you’ve probably had about 3 candy bars worth in the last hour. Dang you Hershey’s and your delicious Cookies and Crème drops.

Happy Wednesday.

dear little miss k,

dear miss kroeze,
dear pie, (because that’s what grandpa calls me)
dear sweet girl,
dear monkey butt,
dear little girl that has stolen my heart, 
______________, (that’s the place that her actual name goes. a name that I’m not telling til a sunshiney summer June day, nah nah na nah nah)

Take your pick of what you wanna call her.

There are so many things I can’t wait to tell you. The first time you hear my voice, you will be only minutes old. And I will probably whisper “I love you” in your ears a million times in the first hours to make up for lost time.  I will kiss your cheeks. I can not wait to hear your cry, and learn your little noises that you make when you sleep.  I have sat in our chair in your nursery everyday for the last months dreaming of you, and I can not wait for the first night we will sit in that chair together.  Daddy and I are counting the days, hours, and minutes until you are here. You are a miracle. God chose for you to be here, and we will thank Him for you every day of our lives.
You are loved.
You are loved, and wanted, and adored already by so many.  

“Baby, oh, baby, the places you’ll go! The worlds you will visit! The friends you will know! The horn-tooting apes from the Jungles of Jorn will hoot a big toot on the day you are born. While a bird flying high from far off in Katroo will sing on the wing, “Happy birthday to you!”.

You’ll find that this world’s a great place to begin, but it could use some help- which is where you come in. So now, as my voice burble-urps in your ear… with a bump-thumpy sound that is not very clear… the words I am saying you hear in your heart, and know that I wish you the very best start.

It’s a scrumptulous world and it’s ready to greet you. And as for myself…
well…
I can’t wait to meet you. “ 

-Oh, Baby, the Places You’ll Go! adapted by Tish Rabe from the works of Dr. Seuss

Love, Mom

it has begun.

girlfriend is gonna be stylin. 

Last week we met her birth mom. I wanted to throw up the whole way there… and I wanted to throw up even more the hour and half we waited outside the restaurant {because I was not going to be late}.  We had decided to set our “idea” of her in our minds very high before we met her, because we were not going to make any assumptions.

She exceeded any expectation we could have had.
That 3 hour meeting was one of the best times of my life.

We laughed (a lot), we all cried happy tears, we sat quietly in amazement of God’s miraculous plan. She told us that she was having a girl, and we talked about what we would name her. We told stories, and talk about our jobs. We made jokes about the noisy waitress. We talked about our futures, and how they will intertwine to make our little girls’ life the best life you can imagine.  Our little girl. ohh, that’s sounds so nice huh. She is a miracle. Anyone who was sitting at the booth in Perkins would tell you. 

People ask me often, “can she change her mind?” the answer is yes. She can decide to parent the baby. And because of that we’re cautious. She told us that this is God’s plan for her, and for her baby, and that she has peace with it. We absolutely believe her.  We haven’t been this happy, well probably ever. We are not afraid. God brought us to this place, and we know that if this baby isn’t what is in the plans for us, we will be okay. She will be okay too.  and so we are not going to sit around, waiting for something to change. We’re going to live the next 50something days the way any expecting parents would. Full of joy, and excitement; and buying cute pink clothes with matching headbands.