and we're off...

{in case you were wondering, she still will not say mama. ever.}

worry

I’m kind of a liar.

A few months ago, someone who I had only known very briefly asked me what year I graduated from high school. I lied before I even really thought about it. I told him I was older than I am. For some reason I felt insecure that he would judge me, unworthy to have things {in my own life} figured out, (or maybe it was my ability to be a mother) if I admitted I was only 25. He was probably 5 years older than me, and therefore in my mind that particular afternoon, I deemed him much wiser, mature, and apparently judgmental.

Insecurities are ugly. And I’ve got plenty of them. I don’t ever want to deceive anyone to think I’m something I’m not.

I Worry. constantly some days about my daughter. 
and I’ve been lying to myself too… trying to believe that it is okay to live in fear. For the first few months, it was, will she be taken away from me. With the whole birth mom/dad limbo that a lot of adoptive families are put in, things can get pretty scary those first weeks and months your baby is home with you. As much as you adore the tiny baby you are caring for night and day, in the back of your mind is always the unavoidable worry lurking. Could I really love this baby with my whole heart, and someone takes her away from me?

When those risks were over, of course I felt relief. For a while. And then I worked myself up to a whole new level of worry. What if something happens to her?  
From the get go of this parenting thing, I had one mission. Remember every single little detail. Take in every moment. Cherish her today… because you never know how long you will have her.

While that sounds really good, and nice on the outside… my ugly insecurities are looming on the inside.

I am preparing for disaster.  on a regular basis.
I get her dressed in the morning and the thought actually goes through my mind “what if this is the last thing she ever wears”.  I feel panic stricken sometimes when she leaves me, or is even out of my sight. She had a fever once, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe because I was sure it would turn out badly.  I look at the pictures I take of her, and wonder if someday that could be the only thing I have left. 

See? It’s bad… and it sounds awful to even say it. ugh. {ugly, ugly insecurities I tell you}
I have a very hard time believing this is my life now, because it is just too good to be true. Our adoption turned out, almost perfect in my mind. Larkin is healthy, beautiful and thriving. Life feels settled, and happy. And so, what do I do? I brace for impact because I am sure it will all come crashing down.

I could blame this on circumstance, but that isn’t completely the problem.

Some of the problem is age. I’m not 16 and invincible anymore. Life feels way too fragile to me now. Some of it is genetics. I come from a long line of worriers on my Dad’s side... Just trust me on that one. {crazy people}

Mostly, it’s lack of trust. complete trust in whatever God would have planned for her. 
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken- Psalm 62:5-6

I can confidently say I KNOW this. I know He is my fortress, and because he is,  I shall not be shaken. I know it.  The problem is, sometimes my mind strays from this truth, and my own human mind takes over; my worrying, crazy mama bear mind wins.
fear wins. 
I know there are so many mom’s reading this, saying, oh yea that’s normal.
But still, it sucks.
I want to trust God when life is good, not just when it’s hard, and I have nothing to lose. I love her. a. lot. Like so much it takes my breath away sometimes. I can not fathom that God would entrust her to me for a minute, let alone a lifetime.  But I will remember, that He did not give her to me so that one day my heart would be broken. He gave her to me with a responsibility to be her Mother, and for her to be a gift of joy. 

share the love

happy v-day

for the one you love

{a free valentine’s gift}

Yes it’s free. But it really has great value.

I got this in a daily devotional email today…

How to pray for your husband (or brother, boyfriend, or dad) , from head to toe:

• His Head –That he will look to You as Lord of his life. (1 Corinthians 11:13)
• His Mind - That he will have the mind of Christ and think as the Holy Spirit would lead him and not the flesh. (1 Corinthians 2:16)
• His Eyes –That You will keep his eyes from temptation and that he will turn his eyes from sin. (Matthew 6:13, Mark 9:47)

His Ears - That he will hear Your still small voice instructing him. (1 Kings 19:12, Psalm 32:8)

His Mouth – That his words will be pleasing to You. (Psalm 19:14)

His Neck –That he will humble himself before You and be strong, courageous, and careful to do everything written in Your Word so that he will be prosperous and successful. (James 4:10, Joshua 1:8-9)

His Heart-That he will love and trust You with his whole heart. (Deuteronomy 6:5, Proverbs 3:5)

His Arms-That You will be his strength. (Psalm 73:26)

His Hands-That he will enjoy the work of his hands and see it as a gift from You. (Ecclesiastes 3:13, 5:19)

His feet – That You will order his steps and that he will walk in Your truth. (Proverbs 4:25, Psalm 26:3)

It will take a little time, but really, what better gift could you give your husband? 

just save the silk boxers with the pink hearts on them for next year.

ebb & flow. and guacamole

the last weeks, since the holidays ended, have been about as “normal” as life can get. easy & uneventful
{see as; not worth writing too much about}

We’ve been so terribly busy {or not} trying to stay healthy, eating meals at home, getting caught up on laundry, preparing to remodel my salon (woohoo!), starting a new 40 day small group devotional at church, attending the husband’s 3 work Christmas parties, and trying to get back on the exercise band wagon before my sister’s wedding in May. ick.  Typing that has just reminded me that I should bring this bag of chips back to the kitchen, or that whole working out thing is pretty pointless. 
moving on
sister bear is starting to love to stand by things. 
It kind of makes me want to push her back down.
to the ground.
where the little babies live.
because I am not all that okay with her growing up so fast.

She also does this…

and this…

but has yet to actually put the whole crawling thing into action.

I have learned to love these kinds of days and weeks. Where you spend more time at home than you do away. Where you eat more meals around your table than you do in your car, or in a restaurant. Where you can look at your calendar and there are whole days that are just white. free.  After the busy, run around of the holiday season this is the way I would prefer to wrap up the winter. It’s the ebb and flow of life. You can’t enjoy your days at home, with out days away. You can’t enjoy your slow, quiet time, if there wasn’t a fast paced, hectic day nipping at it’s heels. 

Having a little more free time means I have been able to get out cook books, and try a few new things.  I made up this recipe on a snowy night a few weeks ago, and have made it 4 times since…

Creamy Guacamole

6 oz. softened cream cheese

3 mashed avocados. (no skin or seed obviously)
mix those together until creamy
squeeze a lime.  (keeps the avocado from turning brown, plus it tastes so good)
we will call it 1 tsp of lime juice, but I don’t measure
a little bit of crushed black pepper, sea salt, and Worcestershire sauce.
Use your imagination, whatever you think “ a little bit “ is. again, I don’t measure things… it will be fine.

- This would be the part where I got distracted, and just had to finish quickly… so there are no more pictures.

Next:

I cut up half of a red onion, and a whole tomato, and mix those in.

cut up about 20 cilantro leaves, and mix those in ( I cut them up so they don’t get overwhelming)

And, I have no “finished product” picture, but take my word for it.
It’s gooooood.
I considered licking the bowl clean last night after the SuperBowl.
and now I feel the need to go work out.