worry

I’m kind of a liar.

A few months ago, someone who I had only known very briefly asked me what year I graduated from high school. I lied before I even really thought about it. I told him I was older than I am. For some reason I felt insecure that he would judge me, unworthy to have things {in my own life} figured out, (or maybe it was my ability to be a mother) if I admitted I was only 25. He was probably 5 years older than me, and therefore in my mind that particular afternoon, I deemed him much wiser, mature, and apparently judgmental.

Insecurities are ugly. And I’ve got plenty of them. I don’t ever want to deceive anyone to think I’m something I’m not.

I Worry. constantly some days about my daughter. 
and I’ve been lying to myself too… trying to believe that it is okay to live in fear. For the first few months, it was, will she be taken away from me. With the whole birth mom/dad limbo that a lot of adoptive families are put in, things can get pretty scary those first weeks and months your baby is home with you. As much as you adore the tiny baby you are caring for night and day, in the back of your mind is always the unavoidable worry lurking. Could I really love this baby with my whole heart, and someone takes her away from me?

When those risks were over, of course I felt relief. For a while. And then I worked myself up to a whole new level of worry. What if something happens to her?  
From the get go of this parenting thing, I had one mission. Remember every single little detail. Take in every moment. Cherish her today… because you never know how long you will have her.

While that sounds really good, and nice on the outside… my ugly insecurities are looming on the inside.

I am preparing for disaster.  on a regular basis.
I get her dressed in the morning and the thought actually goes through my mind “what if this is the last thing she ever wears”.  I feel panic stricken sometimes when she leaves me, or is even out of my sight. She had a fever once, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe because I was sure it would turn out badly.  I look at the pictures I take of her, and wonder if someday that could be the only thing I have left. 

See? It’s bad… and it sounds awful to even say it. ugh. {ugly, ugly insecurities I tell you}
I have a very hard time believing this is my life now, because it is just too good to be true. Our adoption turned out, almost perfect in my mind. Larkin is healthy, beautiful and thriving. Life feels settled, and happy. And so, what do I do? I brace for impact because I am sure it will all come crashing down.

I could blame this on circumstance, but that isn’t completely the problem.

Some of the problem is age. I’m not 16 and invincible anymore. Life feels way too fragile to me now. Some of it is genetics. I come from a long line of worriers on my Dad’s side... Just trust me on that one. {crazy people}

Mostly, it’s lack of trust. complete trust in whatever God would have planned for her. 
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken- Psalm 62:5-6

I can confidently say I KNOW this. I know He is my fortress, and because he is,  I shall not be shaken. I know it.  The problem is, sometimes my mind strays from this truth, and my own human mind takes over; my worrying, crazy mama bear mind wins.
fear wins. 
I know there are so many mom’s reading this, saying, oh yea that’s normal.
But still, it sucks.
I want to trust God when life is good, not just when it’s hard, and I have nothing to lose. I love her. a. lot. Like so much it takes my breath away sometimes. I can not fathom that God would entrust her to me for a minute, let alone a lifetime.  But I will remember, that He did not give her to me so that one day my heart would be broken. He gave her to me with a responsibility to be her Mother, and for her to be a gift of joy.