Christmas bowl-a-rama (and a new year tribute)

Nothing says Merry Christmas like sweaty bowling shoes and french fries.
Welcome to my family.

It would be totally unlike our ordinary family to have an ordinary Christmas party. We’re really not ordinary at all…
this would be my mother.
After her 5th straight strike. Lucky as crap, and she didn’t celebrate and rub it in our faces at alll… nooo…
*as a side note for mom: Thanks for making the reservation for the bowling alley. It really was fun, and dorky… and since they’re too little to tell you, thanks for taking such good care of the girls. You’ve changed their lives.

We were voted the 2 worst bowlers. “knucks… and let it rain…”

Bowling shoes are so cute.

***
2010
Thank you for the memories...

2010 came with struggle.
I felt more hurt and defeat in the last year, than I’ve known in my whole life. This whole “transitioning to life now that I’m trying to move on after losing my baby” has been the hardest part of all, and I didn’t see that coming. I thought that by now, life would start to feel easier. I said over and over I would not let this make me into a person I don’t like. I refuse let it kill my optimism, or my ability to see the best in people; but when I wake up tomorrow morning, the ache in my heart won’t be gone. And sometimes it feels like a curse. For the rest of my life I will have this hole. And it won’t go away, and it won’t be filled, and it can’t be covered. I can’t eat it away, shop it away, cry it away, write-on –my-blog-it away, clean it away, pray it away, fake smile it away, or sleep it away.  It is a part of me now. It’s going to be a part of me in 2011, and until 2081.

But lately I’ve been getting it. I’ve been “feelin it” I like to say when it’s a good day. That hole in my heart has brought me passion; one I would have never known with out Jude.  I feel like I can do anything. I survived…I’ve learned… I’ve grown.  I know life won’t always be easy, and we are certainly not exempt from more tragedy in our lives.  But I know that if and when those days come we can and will rise above it. I am so dang driven to make the most of our lives, and to take the pain and turn it into joy for us, but mostly for others. I am excited. I am so excited for our future, and all the possibilities we have before us.

We are going to rock 2011. I am not content with a mediocre life. I am not content anymore to just keep floating along, and never step out and do something with my life. I will not be a bystander. God needed to show me that I could survive. I could fight the temptation of the darkness when I came face to face with it. Through the weakest of moments, God has given me the greatest strength.

That strength I plan to use in 2011.
We are like 13 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert excited about life right now, and all the blessings this new year could bring to our lives. I have more about Jude to share with you, and more about our lives to share with you. But that will have to wait until 2011… because right now I need to wash my hair. There is champagne and confetti calling my name.  

Happy New Year!

oh yea, and I did break 100 bowling(no bumpers), and beat my sister Kelsi twice. Thank you…

a Christmas carol

I took today off from work to be productive. I knew we would be busy busy this whole weekend, and so I would need a day to get things in order again. Clean the caramel off the kitchen cupboards from the caramel corn, wash the sheets from the beds downstairs where our guests slept, put away the presents, pick up my clothes off the floor because we went from church to parties to the movies and all of this spontaneity required wardrobe changes, and no time for picking up the dirty clothes.
You know, all the good stuff. Plus the weekend is so much better when you know it’s not going to end on Sunday night. specially when it’s a Christmas weekend. This Christmas post was also on my agenda for today… and here I am at almost 8:00 PM and it’s not done. I’ve typed something that amounted to crap  and hit the backspace button, well a lot of times. Today is a day when although I’ve had the whole day free, and a plan for productivity, none of it’s happened quite right. The words might not be quite right, but I have cute kids to show you. So here it is:

Christmas Eve: December 24

I promised my great-aunt I would make our family tradition, “red-dot” cookies…

and so Gabby was happy to assist me in my Christmas Eve red dotting (and green dotting) duties. It was softly snowing out, and we cranked the Christmas music... Gabby, and her sister Senia have lived with my parents for 9 months now. Gabby told me, “she’s never made Christmas cookies before”. She has never had a real Christmas in her 6 years. The kind with presents, santa, Christmas programs, music, cookies, candle light services, fancy red sparkly dresses; but mostly the kind with a real family.
This was all new for Gabby & Senia. And while their time living with my parents will be over soon, we gave the girls the best real Christmas possible. When you’re in a “foster-care family” you learn quickly that you love the kids for all your worth while you can. It won’t be forever, but maybe that time they had with you will be enough to give them a hope for their forever.

Think they love Daisee? Senia’s first word was “Dey-z”…and everyone and everything has been called DeyZ since.

Every Christmas Eve we go to my grandparents church for their Christmas program, and then get the masses together to eat way too much into the late hours of the night.
 
Since the party went 4 hours past her bedtime, Senia was all for the cuddling. So was I.
 
Another sleepy girl in her Santa jammies. Paelyn Grace I can’t believe your 1 1/2 and it’s been a whole year since I took this picture with my santa baby.



Christmas Day: December 25

I had these big plans remember? I found this caramel sticky bun recipe in the taste of home magazine I got in the mail last week, and since they’re Wade’s favorite, I was going to make them on Christmas morning. We had frozen cinnamon rolls instead. It was one of those things on my list-to-get-done-to-make-Christmas-perfect list, and since Wade loves me he told me I didn’t have to make them from scratch if I didn’t feel like getting up early. Thanks babe. We had places to get to anyway, because these littles were waiting.
Gosh I love how much concentration is going into this present opening.

 

This Christmas was different. Not “different” like a nice way of saying weird, but it was not like any other Christmas before. I sat at parties surrounded by people and at moments I had to hold back tears of sadness, and catching myself again thinking, this isn’t fair. But there were also tears of joy. There were moments when I was overwhelmed with how lucky we are. We have these big crazy families with enough love for how ever many babies come into our lives. And I went home at night thinking about next Christmas. What would it look like? How different could our lives be by this time next year? And how far did we come in the past year? And so it was this hodgepodge of emotions. much like most of my life lately(grin). But between the moments when I feeling anything but the Christmas spirit there were the moments of this is what it’s all about.

Christmas Eve

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
with the tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people love so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir here.
I have no words to tell you, the joys their voices bring,
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.
but I am not far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other as my Father said to do.
For I can’t count the blessings and love He has for you. 
So let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven, walking with The King.   
-author unknown

Quinn’s Mommy gave me this poem in a frame last Christmas. I had no idea at the time how much it would mean to me this year again… but I know that Jude and his buddy Quinn are having the best Christmas together.

I hope you all have a small glimpse of Heaven this Christmas.

Have yourself

a merry little Christmas.

I said on Friday, “I can’t believe I’ve been around so many sick people, and still haven’t gotten sick.” And then Saturday it happened. the tickle in my throat. That has turned into a cold from you know where. Boo yah, just in time for Christmas. (it used to be cool to say boo yah when I was in 6th grade, I remember; and am still saying it apparently. It was also cool to say “suck-it”(WWF wrestling anyone?), until all the boys in my class got in trouble for it because of the sexual connotation. I also remember not getting what it meant and why it was wrong. ha. yikes.) anyway….

(cue the violins…turn up the music)
I have every last present wrapped, and sitting under my tree begging to be opened. I have my list of recipes lined up on the counter for all the things I promised to bring for the 6 parties we have this week. I have our stockings hung, by the chimney from the sofa table with care. I’ve crammed every last thing into this weekend because it’s Christmas and that’s what we do. We try to see everyone, whom we dearly love, frost every last Christmas tree & reindeer cookie wearing my red apron of course, photograph every memory, get the cards sent out with enough time to spare for people to put them up in their house and see how cute and happy we look, wrap every single present with the right paper, and of course the matching glittery ribbon, and at the end of this lovely run-on sentence I will just say; I’m guilty. Of all of the above. Well, except the Christmas card part because I just ran out of time, and never made any at all. or reindeer cookies. 

“let every heart prepare Him room”… and heaven and nature sing
I expect a whole lot out of Christmas, but I think maybe Christmas expects something out of me too.  I (and I’m gonna go ahead and guess everyone else reading this) have spent a lot of time this month preparing for Christmas, but not so much “preparing room for Him”. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE all those other things. The music, the traditions, the merriment & sparkliness(yes I made that up all by myself, thank you)… But unless we’ve prepared ourselves for what Christmas is about, I don’t think any of that stuff means a whole lot. I get depressed when Christmas is over because all the glitz goes away, and the world seems kind of, less sparkly & boring. If our hearts were really ready for what Christmas meant, I think the day after Christmas would be the most exciting, and not just for wrapping paper shopping purposes. 

And so I’m learning. This is a part of walking through the fire right? To make all the “things” in this world not matter to you anymore, so that the things that really do matter can stand out clearly. Well now I’ve been there. I’ve had those days and moments recently that money, possessions, reputation, status, failures & triumphs  didn’t mean a thing to me. And I will tell you, it has dulled this Christmas a little. It has dulled the part of the sparkliness, and heightened the part of the miracle. I realize now, Mary was absolutely incredible. She had to be terrified, and feel so alone. No one in this entire world could even imagine what her pregnancy was like. Joseph was so trusting. Would anyone in the world today believe him, or Mary? I doubt it. Maybe we can all strive to be a little more like Mary & Joseph this year.

Hoping that all of you have the most wonderful Christmas. That somewhere between the craziness that comes with the Christmas season, that this season could bring you a little extra joy.

looking to the future…

when I really just want to keep looking back.  

If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
Psalm 37:23,24

Not sure if this is a confession of stumbling, or just straight up complaining… so take it as you may.
I feel like I’m really at a cross roads in so many ways in my life.
Where do we go from here? 

Probably most directly to all of you… where do I go with my blog? I intended this to be about our family. (coincidentally, I started it around the time we started trying to have a baby, shortly after we got married) And while Wade, Daisee, and I are very much a family, we’re not that terribly exciting.
Wade certainly does give me material to keep you entertained, but I highly doubt that my recreating his sense of humor would translate very well into the blogosphere. Daisee is extremely boring, trust me… (why is even a dog yawn contagious?… and I bet reading the word yawn is making you want to yawn right now too. got ya)

And then there is me; I have a hard time believing that me telling you about my day would keep anyone coming back for more, although my yawning trick was pretty funny. I am not going to turn this into a tutorial on grieving, making homemade crafts, baking, or being a hairstylist. (so it might be a combination of those things for a while) This has been a wonderful place for me to share our journey of Jude’s life, but it won’t be what defines our lives either. He is a part of us, and the space that is missing from our lives will never be filled… but our future is looking us straight in the face, and today, I feel like running from it.
This is the cross roads…and I want to keep looking back. I want to stay in this place of sorrow so that Jude will stay so very real to me. I don’t want to move on, and I really don’t feel like thinking about having another baby. Jude is my baby. Mine. It was just supposed to be him and me late at night rocking in this chair. How could I replace those dreams I had for him with my dreams for another baby?
I keep coming back to, “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be”. No, it’s not. This isn’t what God intended when he created Adam. But Adam & Eve fell, and sin followed. All babies were meant to be with their mommies. The world isn’t as it was supposed to be.
 
We’re 1 week into our 2-4 week wait for the results of Wade and my chromosome testing we’ve done. I need closure from Ring Chromosome 13, and this is how we find it. We do this highly expensive blood test, and in a month, they tell us whether or not any future children could have the condition that Jude had. There is a 99.9% chance that they will call me in a few weeks, and tell me it’s okay to have another baby. So maybe it was ridiculous to do this testing at all; but when they call me and tell me that we both have normal chromosomes, we can just skip off into the sunset, get pregnant right away, and neeeever worry again. riiiiight. (grin) 

We’re back to the lingering question that has been on Wade’s mind, and my mind… since the day we got married. Should we adopt?… (and along with that question comes how, when, from where, how do we pay for it) I change my mind daily. Literally. One day I’m working on paperwork, and ready to stuff that packet into the mailbox, the next day I tell Wade, I don’t think I can do this. Will you pray for us? We know with out a doubt we are capable of loving a baby. Any baby.  This website draws me in regularly…please look at those pretty babies; pray for their families to find them. They have special chromosomes just like Jude did. I was preparing myself to be a mom of a baby with special needs 2 months ago, and so I know there is a place in my heart for that. But is that now? We know we’re not ready to be making any decisions, but none the less, it’s on our minds all the time now.

Although I continue to stumble, God has not not let me fall…
And when we can’t see which direction were supposed to go, our trust in His plan will be enough…we know He has our family all planned out already.
He knew Wade would charm me with his over-easy egg flipping skills one night 4 years ago…yes girls I’m that lucky. Be jealous. (grin; again)
skip ahead… He knew on a 70 something degree October day we would promise for better or for worse.
He knew our first baby would leave us after 8 weeks. And that loss would devastate me, but we would quickly learn how much we wanted a big family…
and 7 months later we would learn that again, we were expecting.
Jude’s time with us was for a purpose. He taught us to love with out expectations, or limitations.
The rest… I can’t tell you. Today I have no idea if in search of our family God will take us to the other side of the world for that pretty baby with the special chromosome, or if we will open our home, and arms to an older child who has always lived in our same state, or even town. I don’t know if I will tell my kids that they grew in my tummy, or in my heart. If they will be boys, or girls. If there will be 1 or 10 kids in our house someday.  
someday.
someday I’ll write again about how we trusted God, and his plan was waay better than our plan anyway.

raising the ante

My little blog was viewed 24,000 times in November. 
holy smokes. I used to be excited when 24 people would log in a day.

Talk about standing in front of a room naked.

It makes me feel… nervous. anxious.
humble.

In the last 2 months, there have been about 500-800 of you who read this rambling a day.  I’m pretty sure I don’t even know half that many people, which means some of you have never met me. And the simple fact that you care enough to come back and read some more baffles me. But then again it really doesn’t, because I have a hand full(or maybe more like 3 hand fulls) of blogs I read everyday, of people I’ve never met in my life. Some are serious and though provoking, some are just funny, some are addicting, some have good recipes or good photography, some I click on out of habit because I’ve been reading their stories for years, and even if it bores me, I’ll continue because I know you now.

point being, why ever you come back. Thank you.

I’ve needed you all. I have received countless messages, comments, texts, & emails telling me that something I wrote touched you, or inspired you. Well, let me tell you, you’ve inspired me beyond words. We live in this time where everything you see on the news is heartbreaking, bad news of people doing awful things that makes you wonder where this world is going… and then I log onto this computer (or go to my actual mailbox), and am filled with this new sense of overwhelming good. There is so much good out there, and my hope in this world we live is totally renewed. It’s renewed my hope in people… in all of you. Because of how simply good you all are, and how kind you are the say the things you do. 

I am so far from the first mom ever to burry her baby. This is a path many of you who read this have been down yourself.

This is a path way too worn. 

If what I write really means something to you because you too have been there personally; I am so sorry.
For the woman who told me she had a baby 65 years ago, but they didn’t know she would be sick when she was born. She only lived 2 years because there was no technology in medicine to help her. They told that woman she shouldn’t have anymore children. For the woman whose baby died 30 years ago, but when the baby was born he was taken away immediately. She was told to never tell anyone she had a baby. I am sorry. I have said my share of “this isn’t fair”s in the past months, and I want tell you right now…
That was not fair.
Your story of the love you had for your baby deserved to be celebrated and shared. For the women who have more recently walked this path, and can say to me “I know how it feels to realize that baby inside you is still… and give birth when you know your baby has already left to be with Jesus”. You give me hope. You tell me the pain won’t go away, but life will get easier again. I believe you.   
Your stories bless me in a way nothing else can. I will remember your baby. I will thank God for their life, because every single life matters.

For those of you who start your messages by saying, I can’t imagine how you feel, thank you too. You are putting yourself out there; I recognize that, and appreciate it. Life hasn’t forced you into this situation yourself, and yet you take it upon yourself to love others. I am told frequently “I sat at my computer, and just cried”. That is the most humbling thing I’ve ever experienced. It makes me want to be a better person for someone else, because you’ve all been that for me. 

Mostly, I just want to say thank you for loving Jude. I feel like I was so lucky to be the one who got to carry him. I got to know him in a way no one else on this earth knew him. But the love that all of you have had for him, that would make any mama’s heart brim to the edges with pride, and joy. You’ve all raised the ante… Not only on the counter of this blog, but on my expectations of myself. If I can ever share a portion of the love I’ve received this world will be a better place.

***

If you live anywhere near where I do… you are sitting in your pjs at home on this blizzarding Saturday morning. There is a pretty good chance, you can barely see your neighbor’s house across the street.  wonderful isn’t it?
I tried to be the good wife this morning when I told Wade “ you stay in bed, I’ll scoop the sidewalk”… he said, “oh I think it’s like 11 degrees, it won’t be so bad.” While he stayed all warm and cozy under the blankets cuddling with Daisee… Yep, got my coat on, my gloves, I ventured out. When I got back in, I checked… the wind chill was –28. Thanks babe.  
Although He did prove himself when he drove me to the grocery store and back… and so the Christmas indulgence baking will now begin. Time to turn on a little jingle bell rock. 

Happy December all.

trees

I had never been to a tree farm to cut down a live Christmas tree. Until now.
My sister-in-law emailed me last week informing me that Wade and I would be included in their family tradition of cutting down a tree this year. I’m not sure how it’s possible I had never been to this place before, but we will be back.

This place is the quintessential Christmas spirit fountain of life.
Never mind that it was freezing… literally.

The proud tree owner family next to their… something, a white.. fir? Anyway, I helped pick it out and I’m proud of it. She’s a beauty huh.

This little peanut loved every minute. Until the minute came to go home… She waddled around in her 2 sizes too big snow pants, and tried to pull her mittens off and eat the snow.  Last year when she came here she was only 5 months old and never got out of her car seat, but I love that this will be a tradition she will do every year.

peek-a-boo

 

I was home from work for 2 weeks after Jude was born. Contrary to what I originally wanted to believe, I did need that time to physically rest. But I needed that time to do more than that. I spent those weeks pouring over the pictures and videos of our time with Jude. Taking it all in. Making it all a memory while it’s still fresh in my mind.  I spent most of my days now feeling like something is missing. He’s missing. And so every night I sleep with his blankie that just 2 weeks ago we wrapped his tiny body in. Everyday I open up the box on my dresser, and run my hands over his tiny blue hat. I know there will be days when I don’t need to do that anymore, but not yet. 

so  this weekend, in my quest to make every memory we can,  we put another tree up in our house.
Jude’s tree is in his room. In the place where his crib was supposed to be, next to the chair we bought for me to rock him in. His tree will be up every year in our house now. With the “J” ornaments, and the lockets with his pictures inside. All the things people have given us, so that every year at Christmas we can put them on the tree together, and remember how much we loved him.

And I hope that every year it will remind us of what Christmas is supposed to be about.
The birth of another very special baby boy.

transition

it’s begun.
slowly, very slowly the pain has started to ease into something else.
God always heals our hearts.

I haven’t written anything, even in my own journal, which is very unusual for me, for a week now. I just haven’t felt like there were words…and I needed to just be alone with my brain long enough to figure out where my life was going to go from here.

This past week has been full of trying, stretching, growing…in the kind of way you always hope you never have to know about but when it’s done, and it’s happened, you can start to realize that you’ve been changed.

My husband had to go back to work. Silly as it sounds, I thought it would kill me. I’m 24, I know you have to work to live life, but I wanted him to stay in bed with me that morning more than I wanted to breathe. Well, an hour of crying, and begging God to help me later, I did survived. And man have I grown.
Grown in that I’m a big girl – independence - I can do it - you gotta get out of bed now kinda way.
It was a small step. But a step in the right direction at least… 

Thanksgiving has somehow magically transitioned into full fledged Christmas…
normally, I live for this. My whole life I could not wait for the decorations to go up, and the music to change on the radio. 
For a split moment yesterday the sun was glaring off the snow and shining so brightly into my kitchen, and I felt it. The spark, the excitement of winter, and snow, and Christmas. I know this holiday, like the last, will come with some feelings of disappointment. But I refuse to let it be ruined. A good friend showed up at my door yesterday, and said to me “ I really think this is just the beginning of your story”… and I think she’s right. I’ve been feeling like Jude’s story is over now, where am I supposed to go from here.

Last night I figured out exactly where to go from here…

Romans 8:18-26

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Paul may very well have had me in mind when he wrote that, oh you know, a thousand or so years before I was born. I spent a half hour last night on the internet looking it up in different bible translations. He compares the world waiting for Jesus to come again, to a pregnancy. How as you mark the weeks off the calendar, and your due date gets closer, your excitement grows. And how even though you try, nothing could prepare you for the joy that is coming on that day.

“our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed”
That’s where this transition will take me. I won’t “get over” losing my baby. I certainly will never be the same. But our suffering now, is not even worth comparing to what kind of joy is coming. 
Our love for Jude will continue to teach us things we never would have learned with out him.  While his “earthly story” may have ended that day, the story of his life, and his love will never end.

“tis the season to be jolly”… tis what I intend to do.