Christmas morning, with a side of drool

drooling is in full force at our house. but really, it has been for months so now that you have been warned that each and every picture will involve a drop or puddle of saliva; we shall continue with the festivities.

it would appear Larkin loves Pottery Barn as much as her mommy. bless her. a pro at “so big”… even if you say to her patty-cake, stand on your head, or go sleep outside, you will usually get “so big” and a smile. it’s her favorite trick right now. while daddy made omelets for breakfast, we played with the new toys. Yes a princess castle tent was necessary for a 7 month old. Yes the snowman coffee cup was necessary even if we had no snow this year {tear} . Larkin especially enjoyed her little self when she made her way over to the tree…

busted.

Christmas morning was exactly the way I had always dreamed it would be. In the midst of weeks of hustle and bustle, it was finally time to just slow down. Just the 3 of us, home together with no where to go. Of course she could have cared less about the presents, and the santa pjs, and the Christmas music… but it was the perfect start to a holiday full of family traditions.

On this Christmas morning, my heart was settled;
to just be still.
and sit on the floor playing with my almost 7 month old smiley girl who has won my heart a million times over.

12.25.11

rubba dub dub

{brown eyes in a ducky tub}
we’ve cleaned every crack and crevice.

now it’s time to put on a festive outfit and party it up.

the party with these weirdoes is tonight. {I realize in saying this I will probably be beat up when I get there by my sister. she’s a bully. I will take some blame because I am related to you, but…those of you who are not blood relatives are equally guilty.}
happy birthday Jesus.

wordless wednesday

final.

364 days ago we sent in our first application to the adoption agency, and today it’s final. 

the judge said, “and it will be as if she is was your natural born child.”
amen.

Today we went to the courthouse, and legally became a family of 3.
Larkin is 6 months, and 3 weeks old… and she now has 2 birthdays! June 1st is the day she came into the world, and December 19th is her adoption day into our family. her forever family.  

I am so happy to introduce you today.
Blog world; meet Larkin.

there are no words I could type to explain the way this smile makes me feel. and she pretty much smiles all the time, so you can imagine how awful my life must be.

now it’s time to get caught up on our last 6 months {check out the links below}

birthday
birth announcement
june
july
august
september
october
november

Happy Adoption Day sweet girl.
We could not possibly love you more.

peace.love.joy.

today is the first of our 8 Christmas parties.

 

and so it begins.
A holiday filled with family time.
Exactly the way I would want it to be for her.

where has the time gone

So, it’s been a while since anything has been published here. We will call it a little blogging siesta; in preparation for a blogging fiesta!

do I even need to say it?
okay yes. This time of year is cra-zy.

But on Monday {the 19th- Finalization Day! woot woot} I have oh, about 7 posts to publish from the last 6 months of Larkin’s life. So there will be more then enough to keep you occupied… and then we shall begin the posts full of holiday cheer.

Okay, now that is settled. See you monday.

the answers.

Jenna said...
I'll go! Now that you have a little family, do you have any plans for family vacations? Anything memorable from your childhood, maybe, that you want to share with Larkin? Or somewhere you've never been?
We did get to take Larkin on her first vacation when she was 6 weeks old! We vacation with both of our families in the summer; both “lake” vacations. We go to the same cabin at Okoboji that we went to when I was a little girl, and it was so fun for me to bring her there this summer! I can’t wait for her to make memories at the Beach House, and do all the same things I did at her age there.

Wade and I have both been to New York City once before, and are dying to visit again, probably without a baby in tow. So that is one of our ultimate vacation plans… for someday.  


Anonymous said...
Umm.... When will you show us all the CUTE pics you have taken of Larkin!?
Well anonymous, the answer to that question is SOON!  In a little over 2 weeks Larkin will officially become a Kroeze, and her sweet little face will grace this blog. The month-to-month posts are ready to go, and will be published on her finalization day.


Anonymous said...
Do you have any future plans for growing your family? If so, do you know what this might look like (for instance, adoption, foster care, etc...)
The only answer I can give to that is, Yes. We do plan to add to our family, but at this point we have no idea what’s next for us. (We’re just enjoying THIS baby today)  It will most likely include another adoption. We would love to have another biological child someday. We would love to adopt an orphan from the U.S. foster system. Should any or all of those situations/opportunities arise, we are praying we could take them on.


Tina Kroeze said...
Given everything you have been through - what is the best advice you can give regarding this precious gift called motherhood?
I cried so many times when I was pregnant thinking about all of the everyday, ordinary thing that I was going to miss about Jude’s life. I would have done anything to get up with him in the middle of the night, or to give him a bath.  I’m not sure I can give much advice on motherhood, but the thing I have learned is this: Laugh about it when it’s overwhelming. Forgive yourself if you don’t do it right. Enjoy the poop on your hands, and the spit up on your sleeve.

Don’t wish away the ordinary moments because you would miss them if they never happened.

Anonymous said...
If you plan on adopting again, do you think you will do another domestic adoption or will you try an international adoption?
We have lots of research to do, but we would love to do an international adoption someday. But I would not rule out another domestic adoption either…

Anyone see a 15 passenger van in our future?


Anonymous said… When life gets tough and gets the best of you what are your ways to cope?
writing. (preferably, in a dark, quiet house, late a night while everyone is sleeping. Maybe a candle or a cup of something warm to drink. Always music) Before blogging I scribbled my way through life in notebooks late at night in my bedroom.  driving around is plan B. Again, loud music involved in that one too. Wade knows when I’m pacing our house it’s time to grab the keys. Just drive and sometimes we talk. Sometimes we don’t.
A bath, a favorite movie, coffee with friends, lying in bed and feeling sorry for yourself are all on the list too.

Are you going to speak at an event about your story? I think this was mentioned in an earlier post?
I have done a little bit of speaking. It has been a terrifying, but growing experience. I wasn’t aware how much going out and talking to people face to face would bless me. I feel humbled that I get the opportunity to not only share my faith with others, but to talk to people about infertility, adoption & foster care, and our family. I am thankful for the experiences, but not necessarily searching for more public speaking opportunities at the moment… my blood pressure probably needs to go back down first.


Anonymous said...
what Christmas traditions do you already have that you will share with little Larkin? Do you plan on starting any new traditions for the holidays? Anonymous said...
I know you are big into holidays. What is your all time favorite holiday and why?
Well that’s easy. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I like to think of Christmas as more of a “way of life” then as just 1 day of the year. We celebrate Christmas for weeks. I think my love for all things Christmas stems from all of the great memories I have from my childhood. 

Traditions… Where do I begin? We do the tree, and the stockings, and the lights. We do the family get-togethers, and exchange names for gifts with our siblings and cousins. Every year I make a calendar for each of our Grandma’s and our Mom’s with everyone’s pictures from the last year. We watch Elf, and Home Alone. We (or maybe I) listen to Christmas music, constantly. I bake and bake some more… some old recipes, and hopefully some new.  I would say more than “traditions” we have a Christmas mode… and all of December, I’m in it. 

Anonymous said...
what has been the best thing about adoption? what has been the worst?
Besides the obvious, (that I can hear my daughter breathing heavily in her crib across the hall) the best thing about adoption has been seeing God work so clearly. I can honestly say that I have never been so sure of God’s existence, His plan, His grace, His goodness, or His provision as when we were waiting for Larkin to be born, and in the days following her birth. The worst was, without a doubt, the uncertainty. Adoption is never final until it is final (6 months after placement for us). At any point your life can be changed for the good, or the bad. You are putting yourself “out there” physically, emotionally, and financially. It was draining. I have often wondered what we were thinking jumping into adoption so quickly after losing a baby. We were in NO position to be risking everything like we were, and yet for the most part I didn’t ever feel afraid of being hurt.
how to you stay so spiritual after all the hurt that you have had to go through?
that is a hard question for me to answer. I guess the only answer I can give you is that I honestly believe that God was preparing me for the hurt before it ever happened. He gave me grace when I needed grace. He gave me self-control when I felt the whole world spinning out of control. He gave me hope when life seemed hopeless. He gave me amazing christian women, and friends in my life who prayed prayed and prayed some more for me. Someone told me when Jude died, “I know right now you don’t have the words to pray, so don’t. We’re doing that for you.”  I don’t have any answers for being “spiritual”, but I know that our God isn’t one who deserves to be praised in the good times alone. I will say that I could remain faithful in the hard times, because He has always been (and will always be) faithful to me.


Anonymous said...
I am also a mother of a little girl, and I would LOVE to know where you do your shopping. I am such a sucker for cute clothes and bows, and your little larkin is rocking them!
ohh, now this is a fun question. I shop anywhere and everywhere.
Stores (love the Gap, Gymboree, & H&M) online sights with bargain designer deals (zulily.com, totsy.com) handmade, original stuff ( etsy.com) and every used clothing store or garage sale I can find. My favorite trends for Larkin right now are leg warmers, fluffy skirts with boots, anything with owls, and a look I call “hodgepodge”… a bright colored onsie, or print T-shirt,  some leggings, a skirt on top and something giant on her head. Larkin does not try to pull bows, flowers, headbands, etc. out of her hair.  She doesn’t even notice them I think because she never goes with out. Most of her hair accessories I make. (go to Hobby Lobby, buy some silk flowers, felt, some rhinestones, small feathers, ribbon, and some elastic. Plug in the hot glue gun, and you will be amazed at what you can make)   

Anonymous said...
LOVE your blog and also love your pictures. I know you are an amazing photographer, but would you please share what kind of camera you use and maybe a few hints for a beginner.
Wow, that is very kind of you… thank you.  
My camera is never far from me, and I take pictures every single day.

My camera is a Canon, 60d. Love it. to death.
I almost always use the 18-135mm lens.  

Here are my 3 tips. (I don’t have many, so this is pretty much all I know to be honest, haha)  
1. Research your lenses. They make the world of difference… but they will cost you. Be sure you know what you will be using it for before you spend the big bucks buying them.
2. angle, angle, angle. If your photos seem boring, try a new angle. Get down to the level of your kids. Lie on the floor. Stand on a chair. (besides that this will probably get your kids to look at you and smile laugh, your pictures will be more interesting)
3. use natural lighting if at all possible. the flash is very useful (quick and easy) but my favorite pictures are ones with natural sunlight in them.

November 2011

{5-6 months}

it’s here

finally, it’s here.

birthaversarmas gift giving

Well, the time has come once again my friends.
{for a post that turned out to be really sarcastic}

By October I am usually in full Christmas spirit. Recently, I’ve started clicking away on iTunes to create the CD I make for all of my fellow Christmas enthusiast family and friends every year. “Sounds of Christmas: volume 4” should be released soon {Yes it’s a tradition. year 5} I usually try to have it finished by October 1st, but there has been a delay this year. (that delay shall remain nameless, but I’ll give you a hint: she doesn’t take naps)

I have already started thinking about the parties, the stockings, the traditions, the music, the lights, the trees, the food. The love. The family time. The togetherness.
aww, that was sweet huh.

Making/buying and giving gifts is by far my favorite part of the holidays. I look forward to dumping out all of my wrapping paper, ribbons & bows, and sitting on my living room floor, meticulously wrapping each and every gift while Sound of Christmas volumes 1-4 play quietly in the background, and a soft winter snow silently falls to the earth. I put extra thought and heart warming sentiment into each present I buy (or make), and although I’m sure they mean much less to the recipient than I intend, it still means a lot to me. {yep that’s exactly how it goes}

I thought it was time for me to share a few of my all time fav Christmas gifts I’ve received.  

Lisa Frank
Just type it into Google, I dare you. If you are a woman between the ages of 15 and 35 I promise you it will make your heart race just a little remembering the day when this bright and pretty crap filled the shelves of Wal-Mart, and brought with it tantrums and meltdowns because “I HAD to have it.” Well one Christmas I got it. And I remember opening that box and seeing it was full of glittery stickers, and velvety black outlines of pictures of  unicorns to color with makers that were almost out of ink before you even used them. I mean, who didn’t want the trapper keeper with the golden retriever on the front? Lisa Frank always made my heart skip a beat. 

***

 Personalized treasures. 
Once for Christmas, when I was about 10, I got a hoodless sweatshirt with my name on the front with thick black vinyl letters . I thought it was so cool. On the way home that night my mom told me “that’s for wearing around the house”. hmm, wonder why. aaaanyway,… I’m still a sucker for anything personalized. 

***

Stuff from my adult life.  {not that kind…c’mon}
My most valued possession. my camera.

Have I ever told you that my husband is good to me?
Well sometimes he’s not, oh wait, he always is…
This year for my birthaversarmas I got a new camera. I researched, and dreamed, and begged and bartered. And a few days after my birthday this year, the camera of my dreams was on my doorstep. I have not regretted giving up gifts for the rest of my life from my husband to own this bad boy.  If you yourself are hoping for a new camera sometime soon, try this one. “It’s an investment in your children’s memories, and there is no value on that”. 

Well, there are a couple of very wonderful ideas for you to keep in mind while shopping this year.
I have my Christmas shopping done. Thank ya very much.
Black Friday shopping from 8pm to 8am pays off once again.  

25 days of thanks

well, today is my day to wrap it up. it’s day 25. Thanksgiving.
I missed some days, and there are so many things I never got around to mentioning I was thankful for. {You can read our list of things we were thankful for last year}

Today I must tell you how thankful I am, for the best things in my life.

My family.  
 

We have known more joy in the last 6 months then I ever knew was possible.

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2:6-7

May you be overflowing with thankfulness for each of your blessings today.
Because God is good. all the time.

p.s. if you have any questions you’d like to ask… comment HERE. I’ll be answering them soon!

25 days of thanks

today I am thankful for tug of wars.

because, who wouldn’t be thankful for a game where each person{or animal}, just um… pulls? Well, More specifically, I am thankful for my two 2 girls and the way they have a love/hate relationship.  She isn’t even 6 months old yet and they can already fight. won-der-ful.

For the record, Larkin can hold her own.

Also, for the record. Larkin was put in time out multiple times this weekend for growing up too fast. Sitting up on her own suddenly, eating her first rice cereal, and then, topping it off with saying ”da da da” clear as day anytime Wade would say it to her yesterday. We have it on video, or I swear I would deny every last second of it. Ma Ma was supposed to be her first word.  And also, we don’t actually put our baby in time out so don’t send the hate emails just yet.

25 days of thanks

Today I am thankful that I get to be a mommy.

{for the record I’m also thankful today for pajama pants, sappy music, Cranberry Splash Sierra Mist, that we made home videos with Jude, for a day with no plans, and a husband who completely gets me and knows putting up our Christmas tree can soothe my soul when it’s unsettled.}

Jude would have been 1 year old today.

on the anniversary of these dates, I feel just as empty as I did a year ago. I was in the hospital for 3 days before he was born, and I know that I smiled from time to time during those 50 something hours, but I felt so empty inside I was sure I had to have looked like a ghost, in the shell of a pregnant body.  The images, and sounds, and feelings of that day made me ache in the deepest part of my soul; and sometimes they still do. 

The ache is not so much minute by minute, or hour by hour anymore as it was in the first days and weeks.
Thank you Jesus,  that in the last year you have smoothed the aching wound, and while it will never be healed, it is a scar now that from time to time hardly hurts at all. 

There is one thing I have realized in the last weeks that I had never realized before: For the rest of my life I will mourn what I missed out on in his life.  Larkin is so incredibly full of life. She is the most energetic, happy, alert baby I have ever known. I watch her learn new things almost daily. The smallest thing makes us burst with pride.  She is growing, and changing by the minute. Those are all things I will never know about Jude. While it makes me sad to know I missed those things in his life, it makes me savor them in hers. 

I am not a perfect mom. I am probably not even a good mom most days. But if there is one thing I will do for my daughter it is enjoy every moment with her. I will savor the quiet moments, and make memories. I will make time for her. I will be present in her life. I will do everything in my power for her to know that she is uniquely special, chosen by God, celebrated as a individual, adored for who she is, and loved unconditionally.  

Every year on Jude’s birthday I will re-live all of those memories, and mourn what we lost when he left us.  I want to. I need to; to be reminded of what I do have right here with me today. I needed him to help me become the mom I needed to be for her. I need her to show me what I have to look forward to one day when I see him again.

And that makes me thankful to be their mommy.  

Happy Birthday Jude Willem. 

Larkin’s first time meeting her brother.

25 days of thanks

Today I am thankful for all of you.
I am thankful for this blog. 

It has been encouragement when I needed encouragement. It has been where I can vent, and cry, and be excited, and be thankful, when those seasons arose in my life. It has been a way to share the love, and share the pain, and share the ordinary moments. It has been a record of memories, and I am so grateful to have those memories recorded here; to remember how God has worked in my life.

makes you want to start your own little blog doesn’t it? come on. Your kids will thank you one day when they have more to remember of their childhood then a couple of scratched CDs full of unedited pictures. You will also thank yourself. Someday.   

Today… I am going to answer all of your questions. In case you have any. And I think some of you do, because sometimes I get surprise emails about all sorts of things.

Leave a comment with any question you want!
And I will answer them in a later post.

Boy I hope I don’t regret this. I already know my sister is going to post something embarrassing just to see if I really do answer it on this world wide web. yikes.

25 days of thanks

Today I am thankful for the cross.
I am thankful for the gospel.
Today I am thankful especially for the gift of eternal life. 
Because that is exactly what it is, a gift.

John 11:25-26
"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

25 days of thanks

Today I get to stay home with Lark and I am thankful for that.

Today I am thankful for the sunshine.

Today we are healthy.
Today I will do laundry, and make my family dinner.
Today I will rock my baby as long as I want to.
Today I will clean my house.
Today I didn’t do my hair.
Today I will watch TLC while I make chex mix, and monster cookies.
Today I will say “how big are you?… Sooo big” to Larkin 25 more times because she is starting to lift up her hands and giggle when I say it, and it makes me so proud to see her learn new things.

Today I am thankful for a completely ordinary day.

25 days of thanks

Today I am thankful for all of the men and women who bravely give up everything, to defend the rights we take so for granted. 

I can freely write a blog post about anything I chose, because of you.

I  can wake up Sunday morning and go into any church I want. I can worship God freely, anywhere, anytime, because of you.

I can choose where my children go to school, because of you.

I can wear what I want to wear. I can shop where I want to shop. I can live the way I do, because of you.

I sincerely want to thank all present, past, and future military personnel and their families, and pray that today, and everyday, you would be celebrated.

25 days of thanks

Today I am so very thankful for my job.

I work from home, and can dig in the bottom of my fridge when I’m hungry for lunch at 11:00am {so maybe I just did that}, or throw in a  load of laundry between appointments.

I am my own boss, and can work whatever hours I choose.
…and I chose to work 3 days a week when baby L was born. And… that work schedule + mommy schedule is a match made in heaven.

I have had, and continue to have some of the best co-workers I could ask for. 

My clients are some of my best friends, my encouragers, my therapy sessions, and on a good day my laugh til I peed a little moments.

My job is my creative outlet, my source of income, my home away from home.{literally, and figuratively}

Although some days I’m a grouch when I have to get ready for work, or when I have to deal with “business” stuff  {I’m not exactly an “authority” type personality, unless it comes to bossing my siblings around} there is no job I would rather do. The Style Center, you’ve been good to me.

25 days of thanks

I’m trying. I’m really trying to come up with so many things to be thankful for this month…
but not today.

Today I’m angry. Not the raging, yelling, crying kind of angry. The sad, lonely, remember when kind of angry that makes my heart feel physically heavy.

One year ago this morning I paced my living room waiting for the clock to turn to 8:00am… to call my doctor to tell her that the baby I was carrying had not kicked or moved over the weekend.
She told me to prepare myself, and come right away.

prepare myself.

There was no way to prepare myself to hear, “his heart is still beating, but probably won’t be much longer. There is no way to know how much time he has.”

Elizabeth McCracken writes after finding out her baby had died in her womb just days before he was due:
“Time had bent again. Time had developed a serious kink. Our old life- the one where we planned our existence around the son we were expecting- had ended, but our new life- the one where we tried to figure out how to live with out him- couldn’t start yet. We were stuck in a chronological bubble. He was there, after all, still. He rode with us on the streetcar.  He sat at the café table with us. He appeared in the shop windows we passed, though I didn’t look to the side to see.”
-An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination

Today was the day that started the chronological bubble I would be stuck in for 11 days. Pregnant with a dying baby, and there was nothing I could do, but wait.
And remembering that waiting today has me feeling angry.  I wasn’t angry a year ago. I was in shock and overwhelming grief, and anger wasn’t a part of it. It’s taken a year to grasp what happened, and with that has come anger.
and besides that, today I just miss him.

Today I am thankful for a God who can take my anger, and I know that too, he will heal.  That’s what I’m thankful for today.

25 days of thanks

If that forecast comes true (and it really does snow tomorrow) you’re gonna be thankful for this one too…

Today I’m thankful for enchilada soup:

1lb. ground beef (cooked & drained) 
1/2 small onion
2 cups fresh tomatoes (or canned petite diced tomatoes)
1 can black beans
1 can pinto beans
1 can creamed corn (I always throw in a little frozen corn)
1 can chopped green chilies
1/2 packet taco seasoning  
1/2 packet dry Ranch Dressing mix
1 cup water
1/2 t. cayenne pepper (or black pepper)
1 lb. Velveta cheese

Mix all of the ingredients, except the Velveta cheese in a large pot and cook until boiling. Turn to low, and stir in the Velveta (cut into small chunks) until the cheese is melted. Let soup simmer in the pot for 1-2 hours.

Now go get a piece of paper and scribble this down, you’re gonna need it.
Also, you will be thanking me for this recipe… I promise you.
I also promise you that it looks a little bit like vomit, but trust me… it doesn’t taste like it. {hopefully} and that would be why there is no picture today.

Now bring on that snow.

25 days of thanks

today I am thankful for Orphan Sunday

today I am thankful for the calling to defend the fatherless

today I am thankful for a God who has all things in his hands, when the numbers are staggering and heartbreaking

today I am thankful for each person who has stood up, taken action,  and said “there will be one less ” in the name of Jesus who has adopted us all

today I am thankful for the little faces, that will sit around the dinner table with my family on this Orphan Sunday, who are in the foster system. I am thankful that today, they are loved, they are safe, they will have full tummies, and they will smile.
for today.

25 days of thanks

Today I am thankful for my nieces & nephews.

Taylor
(Sorry sweetie, your uncle hadn’t figured out that I was “the one” yet when you were born so no hospital picture for us. Here is one from last fall instead)

Bailey

Karson

Paelyn

Paityn

Gavin