Here is what I really want you to know.
God is good.
Like so good, it would take me 5 hours to explain to you the ways that God has orchestrated every detail of this adoption, and shown us His grace and love far beyond our wildest dreams. Today we were blown away by His plan for our life.
His plan for our life, as a family of 3.
we’re gonna have a little girl in 63 days…
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD! Praise the LORD!
Psalm 150: 6
And to make the time go faster, Mommy’s friends thought presents and good food would soothe my soul for a little while this weekend. They were right… and before we even had a referral, they planned a little adoption celebration baby shower. 
I swear I’m not that tall… I must have been the only one in boots.
anyway, notice that I’m “wearing” baby Rilyn? (and that half of my shirt is tucked all awkwardly into the wrap…didn’t notice that until I saw the pictures. cute.) I was trying out one of my gifts, a Moby Wrap. Seriously can NOT wait to use that thing. Yes friends… it might be possible that I do not actually have to put my baby down, EVER. success. 
a few more pictures of the little shower guests… 
Soon… we will know.
*Here is my little disclaimer just so we’re all clear. {are you ready?} Not everything about this baby and/or adoption will be posted online.. sorry people. We’ve got laws, and rules, and people to protect. Please keep that in mind when I’m being a little shady. This isn’t all my story to tell, and I plan on keeping people’s private things private… whoa, that sounded wrong. You get it though. There is SO much I plan to tell you, and when I can I will… but there are some things that are only for us. I will write about this whole “privacy” thing later (along with adoption issues involving ignorance, yes that’s deep huh) Now for the good news… I’ll be back later this week to tell you what our future holds. boy or girl? What’s your guess?…
Among the hodgepodge of feelings and emotions we’ve been having the last few days (excitement, fear, doubt, joy, humility… to name a few) the thing that keeps coming to my mind over and over is this…
He makes all things new.
And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
-Revelation 21:5
My self defense has been keeping “this is too good to be true” in the front of my mind.
Adoption is not this easy.
You don’t get picked this fast.
We don’t deserve this.
But this is also one of those times when you can honestly sit back, and very clearly see how God has brought your life full circle. I’ve done the pregnancy thing. I’ve ran out of work to throw up. I’ve gotten up to pee 4 times a night. I’ve worn maternity clothes, and had strangers awkwardly rub my belly. I’ve gone through labor, and delivery and I’ve gone home, a mommy with no baby. That lead to this time in-between where we would prepare. Prepare for whatever path God would lead us too… and so our hearts were immediately and passionately on this journey of bringing home a baby through adoption. We did paperwork, and home study visits, and grant applications, and a profile book. And when the time was right… we were chosen. And I’ve never been more humbled in my life. Someone would pick me to be their baby’s mommy. That is something I will never be able to grasp. And the love, and respect I will have for that woman for the rest of my life will not fade. (no matter what happens) Our circumstances are very different, but I do understand the pain of being pregnant with a baby you will not keep. I do understand going into the hospital to have a baby, knowing you will leave with out one. And to know that she has CHOSEN to do that… she is my hero.
Last year on June 1 our lives were forever changed when we found out I was pregnant.
I have a feeling it might be topped this year…
our birth mom is scheduled to have a C-section, on June 1 of course.
Yes, God I get it now. You make all things new.
Yesterday I cut my hair off.
Like, no more ponytail off.
Like, above my shoulders, gonna wear it bearing its natural curl….
“mom haircut” short. ew, I mean what is a mom haircut anyway.
My sister has been teasing me that I was going to get a mom haircut after we got our baby.
ohhhh, noo I wasn’t.
I sat down in the chair in my salon yesterday afternoon, and said “ I’m going to cut it off now so that no one can ever call this a mom haircut”… because it’s going to be trendy and cute like Jennifer Nettles, and I did NOT chop my hair off because I’m a mom and my baby is taking my time and energy and self dignity and I can still look decent.
Okay, well that was my rant. And I did it. Partially to spite my sister for making fun of my hair, and partially because I was ready for a change. A big change.
It will take some getting used to, and I will need to stand in front of the mirror for a very long time in the coming mornings trying to decided if I’ve made a big mistake, or if it was really a good decision. Either way, it’s gone now.
And I must add, I got my new do literally only with hours to spare.
Good thing I got my mom haircut.
because…
I’m going to be a mom.
we got a phone call last night from our social worker that we were chosen.
A birth mom picked us.
Baby is hopefully coming early summer
So for now…
we will pray
fervently
unceasing
for this birth mom/birth family and this precious baby.
And do about a million happy dances, and cry, and scream with pure delight.
Wow is it good to get that off my chest… I was about to go stand in the street and tell the person in the next car that drove by.
Okay, screw it. I’m a cheater.
That wordLESS part gets me every time.
I spent the afternoon with Gavin yesterday.
I mean seriously. Cute isn’t even the word.
I may have take a few pictures…
Doesn’t this just say “Seriously Aunt Alissa, how many times are you gonna make me do this? I’m sooo bored… ”
This sweet boy entered the world while we were out of town last weekend… we got a picture text of our new nephew a few hours later, and the first thing I see is that he is the spitting image of his daddy. (and he’s got awesome hair…)
People always ask me “how do you handle having babies around you all the time?”. Here is my big fat answer that I never articulate well in real life: (by the way, I’m totally like that. When I sit here I can seem to find exactly what I want and mean to say… in real life it’s a whole lot more like, “ohhh well, um. I don’t know, I guess I just try to, um, keep going…?” not good. at all.) I decided while I was still pregnant with Jude that I would never ever take our loss out on anyone else. I wasn’t going to let it affect my work, or my relationships with my friends, or my family negatively if I could help it. I was determined, and said often… “I refuse to let this turn me into a person I don’t like”. I fully understood that all these friends, and sisters would be having babies in the coming months… and I swore to myself and to God that I would not stay home on those days. I will not kill anyone’s joy. I may not be totally “myself” in those tough situations, but I will be present. I will hold and kiss your babies… if you’ll let me of course. {or when you’re not looking if you won’t let me}. I knew when the days came that I had to suck up my grief and jealousy and be genuinely happy for other people as I watch them get what I’ve been dreaming of… that it would hurt. But for those of you who know that exact feeling (because I know many of you know all too well)… please don’t stay home. Go. Because holding that baby in your arms will not fix your longing, but it will make you wait with joy. Joy for what is to come… these two new little ones have brought us so much joy already. 
Okay… well now, I got all dark and dreary on you. I had no intentions of going there. But now I did, so moving on. At this rate, this will be the longest post. ever. 
***
A few days ago, we loaded into a minivan of all our new friends at 6:30am and headed north for our adoption agency orientation. The orientation part… was long (9-5 in a small room) We learned a lot. I am sincerely thrilled with our agency, and the work they do with birth families. The support, and counseling, and love they receive before, during, and after placement of their baby is nothing short of wonderful… and that was something that was so important to me.
Wanna know the best parts?
a) Orientation was the last thing on my check off list. I had been counting the months, and then the weeks, and then the days for March 12th. We’re done. Our home study should be being signed today (hopefully!!) and will be coming in our mail box this week sometime.
b) those new friends whom we rode in the minivan with. God brought us all into that van together for a very important purpose. Our lives have all lead us to this adoption thing in different ways, for different reasons, and yet we are all so alike. We email, text, and call each other daily. We have all walked this path of adoption together for the last 3 months, and ironically… our home studies should all be being signed today. The same day.
Heather and Steph, THANK YOU. For keeping me on the right path, and for encouraging me, and for complaining with me. We are (as our husbands reminded us this weekend) all equally crazy, and for good reason I say. I haven’t laughed that much in a long time…
I long to meet your little ones almost as much as I long for my own. I can’t wait until the day we share our stories with our kids, and tell them how we planned, and prayed for them all together.
***As I was going to hit publish I decided to check my email one more time. and guess what… We’re approved!!! Home study is signed and done.
We are OFFICIALLY a “WAITING FAMILY” !!!!
HAPPY Monday everyone.
Okay, first scroll down to the bottom and turn the music off.
and then just go get your tissues right now.
Because I’ve got a few things for ya…and my eyes still fill with tears every stinkin time.
Happy Thursday.
Be back next week with a whole buncha stuff for ya from the weekend.
this morning after my bath with jasmine organic bath salt, drinking coffee from my new Kuerig one cup wonder coffee maker as the sun shone brightly into my bathroom, the joy of life is pretty dang good isn’t it just over came me… and I had to text Mr. Kroeze.
”I don’t know if it’s the new awesome coffee or the sunshine, but today just feels like the best day. I love you so much. I’m a lucky girl.”
One would think this would create a feeling of love, and happiness, and thus your husband would respond with a parallel text of loviness and gratitude for a good life…
the phone beeps, I run to get it excited that he will share in my joy of the day, and feeling of bliss…
“awesome”
okay, not all I had hoped for, but the man of few words hit the nail on the head with that one.
Yea, it really is pretty awesome.
(side note from the husband: he did inform me when he came home from lunch that he was in a meeting when I text him, and couldn’t text me an actual message back. )
now you’re wondering why today, on a 2 degree Wednesday morning I’m feeling extra blissful. It’s not something big. It’s actually, this strange mix of the little things that today are adding up to be this one big thing that have put a little extra bounce in my step. Today I’m feeling more creative, and energetic (okay that one is from the 3 cups of coffee) and feeling so driven to do things that will matter to someone else. Reasons for the Christmas morning first day of spring-birds chirping-tulips blooming- attitude would include:
exhibit A: I didn’t have to do my hair today
(obviously I did not do my nails either, yikes)
my normally not so creative (sorry kels) sister got her crafting on over Christmas break from college and hand made me a bunch of these really cool headbands.
eehh emm. that was me clearing my throat.
these head bands, in many colors, are for sale at my salon in adult, child, and baby sizes… okay that was my first shameless sales pitch on this blog ever in 2 years, so please forgive me. I had to.
Exhibit b: Keurig
Mr. mailman made my day yesterday by bringing the most beautiful coffee maker you ever did see to my door step, and this morning I had 3 cups of coffee. The new coffee maker comes with a variety pack of 12 different kinds of coffee, I had to try them… duh. Never mind that my hands are a little shaky at the moment {grin}.
Exhibit c: Grandma Sheryl came through again
This room is pretty much begging to have a baby in it.
Which leads me to my final point.
Exhibit d: Home Study is D to the O to the N to the E.
We did it.
We tackled the mountain, and even though I’m severely out of shape, and got tired very easily from the load… we did it. Hopefully by this time next week, I will be telling you that we’ve been approved.
But here’s what makes me the happiest about this home study business. It has made me so very, incredibly thankful for the people in our lives. There are so many questions as part of your home study about how our family, friends, co-workers etc. reacted to our news of adopting, and particularly the possibility of a trans-race adoption (a baby other than your own race). And all we could say is… they are ALL supportive. We don’t know what it’s like to have people even question our decision on this, and that makes me proud. We have this community of people in our lives who support our decision to love ANY baby that God would bless us with. We are going into this new season of “waiting” in our lives with everyone around us supporting us, praying for this new precious life, and being genuinely excited about our future. And I want all of you to know, that we do not take that for granted.
Thank you…
and that, my friends, is the source of my joy today.
Psalm 29:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
