looking to the future…

when I really just want to keep looking back.  

If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
Psalm 37:23,24

Not sure if this is a confession of stumbling, or just straight up complaining… so take it as you may.
I feel like I’m really at a cross roads in so many ways in my life.
Where do we go from here? 

Probably most directly to all of you… where do I go with my blog? I intended this to be about our family. (coincidentally, I started it around the time we started trying to have a baby, shortly after we got married) And while Wade, Daisee, and I are very much a family, we’re not that terribly exciting.
Wade certainly does give me material to keep you entertained, but I highly doubt that my recreating his sense of humor would translate very well into the blogosphere. Daisee is extremely boring, trust me… (why is even a dog yawn contagious?… and I bet reading the word yawn is making you want to yawn right now too. got ya)

And then there is me; I have a hard time believing that me telling you about my day would keep anyone coming back for more, although my yawning trick was pretty funny. I am not going to turn this into a tutorial on grieving, making homemade crafts, baking, or being a hairstylist. (so it might be a combination of those things for a while) This has been a wonderful place for me to share our journey of Jude’s life, but it won’t be what defines our lives either. He is a part of us, and the space that is missing from our lives will never be filled… but our future is looking us straight in the face, and today, I feel like running from it.
This is the cross roads…and I want to keep looking back. I want to stay in this place of sorrow so that Jude will stay so very real to me. I don’t want to move on, and I really don’t feel like thinking about having another baby. Jude is my baby. Mine. It was just supposed to be him and me late at night rocking in this chair. How could I replace those dreams I had for him with my dreams for another baby?
I keep coming back to, “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be”. No, it’s not. This isn’t what God intended when he created Adam. But Adam & Eve fell, and sin followed. All babies were meant to be with their mommies. The world isn’t as it was supposed to be.
 
We’re 1 week into our 2-4 week wait for the results of Wade and my chromosome testing we’ve done. I need closure from Ring Chromosome 13, and this is how we find it. We do this highly expensive blood test, and in a month, they tell us whether or not any future children could have the condition that Jude had. There is a 99.9% chance that they will call me in a few weeks, and tell me it’s okay to have another baby. So maybe it was ridiculous to do this testing at all; but when they call me and tell me that we both have normal chromosomes, we can just skip off into the sunset, get pregnant right away, and neeeever worry again. riiiiight. (grin) 

We’re back to the lingering question that has been on Wade’s mind, and my mind… since the day we got married. Should we adopt?… (and along with that question comes how, when, from where, how do we pay for it) I change my mind daily. Literally. One day I’m working on paperwork, and ready to stuff that packet into the mailbox, the next day I tell Wade, I don’t think I can do this. Will you pray for us? We know with out a doubt we are capable of loving a baby. Any baby.  This website draws me in regularly…please look at those pretty babies; pray for their families to find them. They have special chromosomes just like Jude did. I was preparing myself to be a mom of a baby with special needs 2 months ago, and so I know there is a place in my heart for that. But is that now? We know we’re not ready to be making any decisions, but none the less, it’s on our minds all the time now.

Although I continue to stumble, God has not not let me fall…
And when we can’t see which direction were supposed to go, our trust in His plan will be enough…we know He has our family all planned out already.
He knew Wade would charm me with his over-easy egg flipping skills one night 4 years ago…yes girls I’m that lucky. Be jealous. (grin; again)
skip ahead… He knew on a 70 something degree October day we would promise for better or for worse.
He knew our first baby would leave us after 8 weeks. And that loss would devastate me, but we would quickly learn how much we wanted a big family…
and 7 months later we would learn that again, we were expecting.
Jude’s time with us was for a purpose. He taught us to love with out expectations, or limitations.
The rest… I can’t tell you. Today I have no idea if in search of our family God will take us to the other side of the world for that pretty baby with the special chromosome, or if we will open our home, and arms to an older child who has always lived in our same state, or even town. I don’t know if I will tell my kids that they grew in my tummy, or in my heart. If they will be boys, or girls. If there will be 1 or 10 kids in our house someday.  
someday.
someday I’ll write again about how we trusted God, and his plan was waay better than our plan anyway.