words of Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday… the revised edition addition

It was mid June. I had found out a I was pregnant a few weeks before.
We were at Wade’s sister’s house for the weekend. I started to have my suspicions.
(apparently, as did she)
After awkwardly walking around her kitchen for a minute, I sit down next to her.

I say… “I have to ask you something……….are you pregnant?”
Tracy looks down at the ground,with tears in her eyes nervously says “yes, are you?”
I burst out laughing, “yes”.. 
Cue the laughter, tears, and hugs.
We realize we are due 2 weeks apart, and neither of us has told anyone else yet… but maybe it was our intuition (okay it was the fact that neither of us wanted to go in the hot tub the night before & the “my pregnancy: week 9” email I saw on her computer) we both now know.

That almost seems like yesterday… and now she’s here, and we’re so in love.

Miss Paityn Joy.
7 pounds 5 ounces.
Brent & Tracy, thank you for making us an aunt & uncle to 3 beautiful nieces.
I love that word, “aunt”… It’s so my favorite thing in this world. It involves spoiling, and kisses, and lots of loving…. and with no sleep deprivation.  I don’t think it gets much sweeter than this. Well except that we’ll be doing this hospital visit thing all over again for our new nephew in a couple months… That makes it sweeter I guess.

It’s my blog

{I can cry if I want to}
aka: everyone’s doing it.

If you blog (not sure that’s an actual verb, but it is here.. it’s MY blog after all)  you understand that this whole blogger world is a strange one. It’s really just this sick game of show and tell. You want the item that you brought to school in your backpack to be all pretty, and sound nice when the words show up on the screen… but when your life isn’t pretty at all, you have these big fears and insecurities about people knowing it. And I get jealous, because some people have this all mastered. They share the good and the bad of their lives with grace, and loveliness and still manage to keep it all together and make sense of it… and they seem like they’re so cool. As cool as you can be if you have a blog. yes it’s totally geeky. Each and every single one.. but you’re reading this so you’re geeky too. ha, busted.

I have this never ending blog list. “Favorites” takes like a whole minute to scroll through… and don’t even get me started about how late I stay up some nights trying to catch up with my friends… (grin; Although I probably know more about these strangers than some people I’ve personally known for a very long time).
Recently, I’ve actually connected with a few of these wonderful co-blog world women from different parts of the US. And let me tell you, it’s been so worth it. You know that kinda awkward “email me” button over there on the side of the page… well I did just that. And it’s been rewarding. I would have never done it if those women hadn’t been honest on their blogs. If they hadn’t shared their life struggles, and their life joys side by side.
They have blessed me.
And it wasn’t because of they could paint this pretty little perfect life, filled with  perfect husbands,  clean new big houses, or trendy size 2 clothes.  

…and so here it is.  
I don’t have the fanciest words. I spell things wrong, and find grammar errors all the time. I don’t have the best clothes, or best pictures. I might write about the same things all the time. I’m not that super creative, or entertaining… I only shave my legs once a week if I’m lucky in the winter. I use the same dishrag in the sink until the smell makes me gag sometimes. My kitchen floor hasn’t been mopped in weeks. Sometimes I unintentionally type a swear word in the heat of the moment, but delete it because I’m afraid my Grandma won’t like it. (Hi grandma! thanks for reading this by the way)  

Here is my goal…. (make it yours too fellow geeks)
Be honest. Be true to yourself. put the good out there with the ugly. But more importantly, be proud of the ugly… because that’s the stuff that people can relate to. Glorify God. But share the other real life stuff too, because let’s face it; real life is anything but glorifying Him sometimes. That part is called repentance. Do that too.  Please keep telling the good stuff. (if it was all bad it would be depressing after all) Just be you. misspelled words and all… because I was always horrible at spelling.

But you’re saying to yourself, I don’t have a blog… aka. I don’t care what you plan to do with yours.
Well then start one already, I know you want to. Seriously, do it for your kids, your husband, your relatives who live far away, or how about this… do it for yourself. Write once a month about your favorite meals, or tell funny stories about your dog, or about your husbands affair and how that hurt like you know what, or write 5 sentences a day about your devotion to God, or don’t use words at all and just post some pictures, or write about people who type run-on sentences, Or all of them… You will like it. I know you will. Maybe no one will read it but you, and that’s okay too.  unless you want to tell me about it, and I’d love that… all you have to do is check out  that awkward “email me” button over there.

Sanctity of Human Life

Next Sunday is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. Someone from church called me yesterday to ask if I wanted Jude’s name to be read with all of the other babies born in 2010 at our church service.  My first instinct, was no. It will just make people sad. But I said yes instead. ( mostly because we planned a trip to Minneapolis a month ago, and will be out of town all weekend; and I knew I wouldn’t be there to hear his name read, and to stand up in front of everyone) But after I hung up the phone I thought of something else. I hope that when his name is read, that all of the parents who stand up with their baby in their arms will look at their baby a little differently. I am praying that every single mom and dad will realize the blessing they’ve been given whether their child was born in 2010 or 1935.
I’m glad I won’t be there. Selfishly, I didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to be the one standing up with out a baby. I couldn’t face that. but more importantly, I don’t want this to be about me. I want it to be about Jude, and his short, but purpose filled life; not about us. God worked this all out perfectly. The actual day for “Sanctity of Human Life” is next Sunday, the 23rd. (It’s always the Sunday nearest the date of the Roe v. Wade supreme court decision.)  Our church decided to do it this tomorrow instead, for what reason I have no idea… (but it’s also the one where I would be gone, and wouldn’t have to pretend I was sick so I didn’t have to go) Thank you Jesus… really, thank you.

Not only does Sanctity of Human Life Sunday mean so much to us because of Jude’s precious life, but because this year we’re praying for another precious human life.

Will you pray for all the parents who CHOSE life for their baby? and also pray for the ones who didn’t.  For all the moms who are called a “birth mom” now… because they not only gave their baby life, but then chose to give their baby the best life possible when they felt they couldn’t do it themselves. I find myself thinking about our future baby’s birth mom almost constantly. My heart is so broken for her already. I know she will be faced with the question whether or not to have an abortion, and that might sound appealing to her on so many levels.

Did you know…
-Nearly half of pregnancies among American women are unintended, and four in ten of these are terminated by abortion.
-From 1973 through 2008, nearly 50 million legal abortions occurred. 
  
I will be praying that those numbers would dramatically shrink in 2011. That God would raise up Christian social workers, and that they would be blessed with endurance and protection. That they wouldn’t be over worked, and under appreciated. That He would raise up more adoptive families, more foster homes, and more awareness of how important it is for all of us to do our part.

Find out more! Sanctity of Human life Sunday

“cuz I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, that there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes… still I will praise You, still I will praise You.” –You Never Let Go, Matt Redman

Christmas cards & a pretty girl

I started in November taping each and every Christmas card to the front of my fridge. Well, that was full, and it looked like snapfish puked all over my kitchen.  I set out on project-find-creative-way-to-display-Christmas-Cards.
And taa daa.
Few rolls of Christmas clearance ribbon, a wooden dowel, & a little hot glue… and you have yourself a re-usable card hanger sure to give you years of card viewing pleasure.

In other, more important news.
Miss Rilyn Mikael came into the world on the very date her mommy wanted… 1-11-11.
Her mommy Traci and I used to have sleepovers and we would lay awake in bed til all hours of the night talking about the names we wanted for our kids someday.  I was sure this baby was going to be named Shelby. Of course your favorite name when your in 5th grade may change a little in 15 years, but I was hoping. And then there were the baby name lists we made when we went to beauty school together after high school.(at which point her girl would have been named, Katie James) I still have the notebook full of baby name lists, and games of mash we played. Oh, and our formal dress designs. And some how I still managed to learn a few things about hair… don’t worry! 

After two months of bed rest it was time for this little girl to be born! Traci went into labor at just 28 weeks, and remained on bed rest until 2 weeks before Rilyn was born. We are so glad she is here, and a healthy 6 pounds! She will always have such a special place in my heart. Traci and I loved being pregnant together, due just two week apart. We spent the first half of our pregnancies comparing every little baby kick, and talking about decorating the nursery, and what we couldn’t wait to buy. We braved the maternity swimsuits together, and went to water aerobics. I love that we will always have our memories of Rilyn and Jude together.

Rilyn was born in the same hospital that Jude was born in. Walking back into that hospital brought with it a million emotions. Driving into the parking lot, I wanted to throw up. I didn’t want to walk through the halls that I had walked, and walked, and walked during the middle of the night after I was induced. I didn’t want to see into the room that he was born in. Every single thing in that building has memories now. The huge sterile elevator, the lobby, the smell, the hum of the TVs in the rooms mixed with the chatter at the nurses station, the deafening quietness… I was scared. to. death. 
Until I saw her. And all I could think was what a miracle she was. What a miracle it is that there is ever a healthy baby when there are millions of things that could go wrong.
And I left feeling like I had accomplished something.   
It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. We’re getting there right? We’re doing all these things we have to do for the first time, and we’re facing them… and the more we face, the easier it’ll get. I know that.

I’m beyond excited to be going out of town for the weekend ( good restaurants, shopping at the MOA, probably a lot of laughing; you get the idea), but I have something I’m pretty passionate about that will be published on here tomorrow, so come and read it okay?

HAPPY FRIDAY.  

walking the tight rope(and a crock pot recipe for a snowy day)

Anyone love a crock pot recipe as much as I do? Here is an easy, delicious, low-fat (or not if you like the taste of food) chicken recipe. Just kidding, it’s really not all that different if you go the diet route.

3-8 chicken breasts (raw/thawed)
1 package Dry Italian Seasoning
1/4 cup water
1 -8oz. fat free cream cheese (softened) …. or regular cream cheese
1 can fat free cream of chicken soup … or say screw the new years resolution, be brave and daring and go for the regular.
1-4oz can/jar sliced mushrooms (I leave these out;cant stand the texture of mushrooms) 

Put the chicken in the bottom of a crock pot.
Mix Italian dressing mix with water and pour over the chicken.
Mix softened cream cheese and cream soup. you guessed it, pour that in to.
Mushrooms on top if you’d like.
Cook on low for 4-6 hours.
YUM. The chicken just falls apart… 

***

I took down every last Christmas decoration this weekend… normally I don’t touch a thing until January is long over, but I was just sick of it this year. The lights went out on half of my tree a few days after I put it up anyway. I was ready for the clutter to be packed up, the sparkles to be vacuumed up, and for life to start to settle into it’s normal slower rhythm. It’s snowing like crazy outside my window, and if I’m stuck at home for a few days, that’s fine with me. I’ve been reading cook books cover to cover, and making lists of all the things I want to make in twenty eleven… we’re trying to be healthier this year you know. Just like every other January. Wade won a contest at work, and we scored a gym membership for a year. Totally awesome considering we had decided to spend the cash and buy one on our own; it was a very nice surprise for the new year I’d say. Or should I take this as a sign from above that I’ve been sleeping in way too late…

Now for news on the baby front.
Our application, finger prints, and all the paperwork(for now) are all done! We will be setting up our home study soon. The home study can take a couple of months, so
for the next weeks I will be in preparing for baby kroeze mode.
Nursery colors: check

I am fine tuning the art of tight rope walking. I have learned to stay neutral, in the middle… perfectly balanced so I don’t fall. Not leaning to far in the direction of hope, and not to far in the direction of fear. I have a little hope that we could have a baby this summer, but as soon as that thought creeps into my head, I lean the other way, and tell myself quickly to be realistic. It could take a long time. I could have this nursery ready, every stinkin detail, and it could sit empty. But really, this room has been sitting empty for far too long already, and because of that I can boast about one thing.  I have learned patience. I can wait. I can stand the test, and pray our baby is safe and healthy everyday til I’m 90 if that’s what it takes. This whole waiting, praying, hoping this is not new for me. but even so I don’t want wait anymore. I want to get in my car, or on a plane right this minute and go pick up that baby, my baby.  And somewhere in the darkness of time our journey with Jude has prepared us, and been a force propelling us into this new journey to bring our next child home because we know now that we are capable. And even though I‘ve never loved anyone the way I loved Jude, I know I already love our next baby the same way. In that,
 I will do this no matter how scary it gets,
I can take it no matter how long it takes or how much it hurts,
bring it on
kinda way…
because in the end I will do whatever I need to do to make your life the best I can; because I’m your mama. 

(alright, Well now I’ve realized that I sat down with absolutely no plan as to what I was going to write, and this has turned out to be most random post, maybe ever. Just getting a few things cleaned off the plate to make room for a few more well-thought-out things I have coming.)

Anyway, back to work. cuz it’s monday, and you don’t get snow days when you’re a grown up. 

answers, the ones I have anyway

so, to answer of a few of the questions I’ve heard, a lot… since we told we were expecting. ah, that sounds so nice. especially when morning sickness is not involved this time.

Where are we adopting from? We are using a local agency, and doing a domestic adoption ( from the good ole’ US of A) But we hope to put our book out to multiple states.

Are we specifying a gender? Nope
Are we specifying a race? Nope
God has our family planned, and will be hand picking our babe for us anyway.

Are we crazy? possibly (okay no one asked me that flat out, but I know you’re thinking it)
But, can we love any baby like it’s no ones business? you got it, and we already do!

Can we afford it?  Well the answer is probably not at the moment, but we will. Everyone knows adoption is expensive. And I’m so sad that that is a reason I know many people don’t do it. I know because I’m embarrassed that money has been one of my biggest hang ups about this whole thing. We are sending checks to our adoption agency as the medical bills for Jude’s delivery come into our mailbox, and you’d think there would be some stress involved in that. But I am happy to say, I could almost care less. It is just money, and we will figure it out. Mr. Kroeze has amazed me with his ability to trust in the Lords leading in this whole money department. He seems to not be worrying one bit, and reminds me regularly not to either.  From talking to other adoptive families, I’ve heard one resounding thing. “ You just wait, you will be amazed at how God provides the money just when you need it.” And I believe them. He already has.  

Where are we in the process? (and for the record, I hate saying “the process”…it sounds like a math problem or something) I brought a thick packet of paper work in the post office yesterday…and did a little happy dance in the car on the way home. We have been working on applications for a few weeks, and will start our home study soon! 

How long til we could have our baby in our arms? Well that’s what I want to know! I think our paperwork said 6 months to 5 years.  Well, we are doing things (being open to any baby) that will hopefully make that 5 year number shrink to more like 1 or 2.   

Have anymore questions, let me know. I’ll try to answer them…
Happy Wednesday.

from the kroeze's...

Ha! definitely kidding…

…and whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.
Matthew 18:5

more to come!
oh yea, have I mentioned we’re EXCITED?