To the Mom who has lost a child,

I recently wrote this letter for our local newspaper, for moms who have lost a child… as part of series of "mom topics" that are not commonly talked openly about.

To the mom who has lost a child,
It's probably still hard to believe that this happened to you. This kind of bad stuff only happens to someone else. But here you are; empty handed, broken hearted, because this baby that you loved so much, and desperately wanted, is gone. I know how it feels. It wasn't supposed to happen to me either. This wasn't the way I had planned for my pregnancy to go. It wasn't supposed to end like this.

I know a piece of you is gone now. If your loss is recent, you still have no idea how you will ever feel like yourself again. Here is the thing: You probably won't. You are not the same as you were before. And right now, that is not comforting, because when the grief is fresh and so intense you cannot breathe, you only wish you could go back. But trust me when I say the new you can be a better version. This loss will make you softer and more understanding...if you let it.

Good things can come from the brokenness. God brings redemption through our stories, like He brings spring after the winter. This winter, this season of loss, may be long. It may be the loneliest time of your life, because it feels like no one understands. Be honest with yourself about your grief. It may feel different than you thought it would, or than how someone else did. But each life (not matter how short) deserves to be grieved. As others around you move on and forget, it's okay for you to linger there. Never feel guilty about how you grieve, because a mother's love doesn't know height, or depth, or length of time.

God can redeem your story, and heal you brokenness, because He too loved your baby. And He loves you too much to leave you broken. When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece.... then, when you are finally put back together, you're different. The scars you are left with are a reminder of not only what was lost, but also of all you have to lose.  Now you can love differently. Better. Because you know just how fragile life is.
so when you feel like you can't keep going because you miss your baby so much, please don't stop. Chose to find joy IN the frailty of life, because God is still good. You may have to look harder for it today, but maybe tomorrow it will be easier to find.
There are better days ahead. Spring is coming.

Easter Surprise

  These two can't wait to be big sisters in October!

spring chicken

This was the day the tiny, 2 sweet yellow chicks came to our house.  They were so calm, and quiet.

Fast forward a week, and Sky & Chick-a-leta (too much Paw Patrol) are wild and crazy. Squawking, pecking, and pooping everywhere in sight. Good thing they will reach their final destination of the farm on Sunday. It is a task just to catch one in the box, and hold it still enough for the girls to pet it. it's almost comical how afraid of the chicks Lola is. She is a dare devil, and doesn't really seem to be afraid of anything… but apparently a tiny yellow bird with freakishly large feet she does not appreciate. I was a little bit afraid she would squeeze one to death, so it's probably in the best interest of the birds that Lola remains afraid.
We're going to tell the girls that the chicks delivered the eggs for their Easter baskets on Easter morning, but I have a feeling our smarty pants 3 year old will see right through that story.

frosted banana bread cookies

{for the first day of Spring}

One of my favorite things is my Grandma's banana bread. I have her recipe, and I can't get it right. It's just not the same… but a while ago I found this recipe for banana bread cookies, and while they are not the same as Grandma's bread, they are so good.

COOKIES:
3/4 C butter flavored shortening
3/4 C sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 C mashed bananas
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp soda
2 C flour

FROSTING:
1/2 C butter
6 Tb brown sugar
4 Tb milk
3 1/4 C powdered sugar

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Cream 3/4 C butter flavored shortening and 3/4 C sugar together in your stand mixer or large mixing bowl. Add 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla and beat it for an additional 2 minutes.
3.  Peel the bananas and mash them. You’ll need 1 C total. (Brown bananas will be best, because they are the sweetest)
I gave Larkin the job of mashing the bananas, and she told asked me why I burned them first :)
Add them to the mixing bowl and beat to combine.
4. Into a small mixing bowl combine 1/4 tsp salt, 1 tsp baking soda and 2 C flour.
5. Add the dry ingredients to the mixing bowl and mix until combined. The dough will be sticky and slightly thick.
6. Spray the inside of a kitchen scoop with cooking spray and a large cookie sheet with cooking spray as well and scoop the dough out onto it.
7. Bake for 8-9 minutes or until the cookies are golden brown along the bottoms. Remove them to a cooling rack and allow them to cool completely.

8. Make the frosting while the cookies are baking.
Place 1/2 C butter, 6 Tb brown sugar and 4 Tb milk into a medium-sized sauce pan.
Melt them together on the stove top.
9. Pour 3 1/4 C powdered sugar, 1/4 tsp vanilla and dash of salt  into the melted ingredients and whisk it well to combine.
Let the frosting sit for about 10 minutes. It seems like a lot of frosting, but it gets thicker as it cools.

Christmas Morning

Christmas morning was so fun this year. The girls slept until 9:40 (Thanks to staying out at Grandma's house until 11pm on Christmas Eve).  I had consumed 3 cups of coffee, watched part of the Disney parade, made breakfast, figured out how to turn out TV into a fake fireplace, and drove my husband crazy all before they woke up. 

The rest of the day was eating, playing with new toys, and lounging around. During a busy busy season of the year (and season of life!) it was so nice to have some time at home with the 4 of us… pretending to sled in the house, playing with Legos & Play-doh, and staying in pajamas past noon.

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. It's the pinnacle of the anticipation of the season, and the beginning of a couple of days full of traditions. Doing these things with my own girls was so fun this year. 

Christmas cookie breakfast picnic? Sure! why not.   

 
Ready for the Christmas Eve church service.
(Dressing them in matching outfits makes me ridiculously happy. don't judge me.) Guess they were cold?  Also, the reflection of us in the door behind them doesn't help. Getting these two to sit together is a feat in itself, so I thought we were doing pretty good.

Let's try standing instead
Larkin, hold onto Lola
but don't choke her

  

Christ the Savior is born!

Merry Christmas, the Kroezes

Christmas Program

Oh my heart could hardly stand the thought of Larkin being old enough to be in the Christmas program at church this year. My  nerves could hardly stand the idea of what she was going to be doing during the program, from the front row.

She walked into the church, in line, with all of the other 3 year olds. (gasp) She stood almost still, sang some of the time, did a few actions, and was perfectly cute and happy to be up there with 50 other kids.
She got a little bored in the middle of the program with a couple of slower songs, but I could see the delight on her face when she heard the beginning of her favorite jazzy version of We Wish You a Merry Christmas.