Wednesday, September 29

I have no idea where this post will take me… but I feel like if I don’t do it now, this moment will slip by. And in this moment we need to celebrate.

We went to our “normal 20 week ultrasound” in hopes of finding out if our little bug was a boy or a girl. We did learn the good news that she is a beautiful little girl. She is so so very beautiful, and perfect in our eyes. The problem is, in reality her earthly body is no where near perfect.

Violet Noelle Kroeze will not be able to ever take a breath on her own. Her little brain and heart are not developed as they should be, and her condition is not compatible with life.
not compatible with life
That’s the nice way the doctors put it.

If you want to follow the medical side of Violet’s life you can follow her very own little site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/violetkroeze

I will write her story. I can’t wait until the day my head is clear from this fog, and I can tell you her beautiful story because she deserves that.

But today our little Violet Noelle is alive and while that is the case I refuse to let this grief overtake me. Nothing in all of my life could prepare me for the pain of learning this news, or the multitude of feelings and emotions that come with it. And when the pain over takes me again, I fight it away. Because she doesn’t deserve that. These are my last days with her on earth, and I won’t spend them in devastating grief and sorrow. Those days are to come, and for that I'm deathly afraid.

Today in the moments when I am strong enough to fight the pain & fear for even brief moments I find joy, and thankfulness. I got to know her and share my life with her for the last 120something days, and they have been the best of my life. And for that time I will celebrate. God is granting me what I’ve been begging of him. Moments of calm and peace where I can just enjoy her. I’m not begging Him to give her a new heart, or a new brain or new arms and legs. She is perfect to me, and however long God has chosen for her to stay with us is His plan, and not for me to decide.

"So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my Righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

I just ask that your prayers  for us as Violet’s parents would be that we can have the peace to enjoy her now, and grieve our loss later when those days come.
We love her more than I can tell you… and want to share every ounce of love we have with her right now.
She will always be our perfect blessing.

I forgot what I was going to say

And I forgot because my brain couldn’t possibly be more scattered than it is right now. I’ve heard people talk about “ baby brain” and baby, I’ve got it. I wander around my house wondering what I was just going to do… or wait, was I going to start something, or go somewhere. I can’t remember… I put toast in the toaster and forget about it all morning.  Which leads me to my next point. I have 6 unfinished blog posts in my “drafts” folder. Can’t remember where I was going with any of them… so forgive me for the lack of blogging anything real.

Here is my lousy attempt at giving you a small description of each.. baby brain style. 

Home Sweet Home

 

My bathroom remodel (with the exception of new towels) is kinda done! Still might put a new mirror up if I can find the right vintagey one, but that’s easier said than done. So for now, I’m calling it good, and we’re moving onto the basement.
Which will hopefully be getting new flooring soon. With new flooring we can move the furniture back where it belongs… and we can paint the nursery.  
side note:  One week til the big ultrasound, and hopefully a boy/girl verdict!

next topic… thankfulness.
or my confession of recent lack there of.

We’re 1/2 way there little bug! In a few days we will have made it to 20 weeks, and from where I’m looking you seem to be growing.
(yes I do know stripes are not slenderizing)
There are definitely seasons in life; seasons of love, and laughter, and sorrow and all those things… and I can tell you this season of my life, it’s a pretty dang good one. But something I’ve realized is that when the season seems to be going in your direction, or what you consider to be “your” way… it’s easy to let your thankfulness to God slip away. It was really easy to need God and seek His will in the times of our life of infertility and loss, but now when I feel like I got my way, some how those things haven’t directly translated into thankfulness.  Shouldn’t the amount of begging I did to Him for this baby directly turn into that much Praise when my prayer is answered? It did originally, but why now is it slipping away. I know with out a doubt this is selfish human nature, but none the less, it’s wrong. It’s sin. Sometimes it hits me, a subtle punch to the face, and I realize His abundant love, but I should be constantly thankful for the millions of blessings I have no matter if the answer to my prayers was yes or no.
anyway, big surprise, I don’t know exactly where I was going with this…
I guess it’s just my confession in hopes that it will remind me of the gratitude I should have, and the person I strive to be.

New York City… at Christmas
 I think it’s because I know the Rockettes will soon be on TV again, but this time of year I feel this dire need to go back and visit the big apple. I’ve been there… and it was my favorite place in the world, to visit.  It is unsafe, dirty, and busy… but every corner you turn you see something you recognize… and when you mix that excitement, and familiarity with Christmas light, and ice skating… watch out man. They got me. Oh yea, and like the world’s biggest Christmas tree. Obviously this isn’t the year, but I will be back some day to see all its wintery festivness with my own eyes.

Okay well that takes care of at least half of my drafts… which can now be deleted. And with posting this so does the first thing on my list of things to do this afternoon. Cleaning out the closet in the ex-office, soon-to-be nursery is the next on the list…

Oh wait, one more thing. 
It feels like a great day to begin a new season doesn’t it.
Happy 1st day of Fall ..tomorrow

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” 
-Ecclesiastes 3: 1

Okoboji

I realized something on our way to Okoboji last weekend.This would be the last time we would go here… …childless.    The last time…I would go to that beach with out our baby in my arms. But don’t worry… Obviously our child won’t be alone.
We have a tribe you know. This weekend… 11 kids were under 13 years old :) I realized something else while we were there.There is very little you can do with out running water.
Thank you old tree roots for getting into the pipes and causing us to have no usable bathroom:) Wonderful….We were “roughing it”. Except we could walk a block up the road and use that cabin’s bathroom. Okay I’m done complaining. You know I’d love this beach house even if it had, say.. an earwig infestation and a flooded basement. (oh wait that was my house this summer!) :) Oh yea, one more thing I realized. My baby will get to make memories at the beach house that I made as a kid, and that makes me giddy inside. 

See ya in May Okoboji.

Hey there…

little one.Your mamma is falling more in love with you by the day.
And for the record, so is your Daddy. 

Although it’s 80 something degrees out there today, I can feel that fall is right on our heels. Pumpkinland will open soon, and I can’t wait to throw away my dying flowers and replace them with pumpkins in my big pots outside my house. 
 
We’re headed to the beachhouse this weekend, and as long as I can remember that has meant it’s the end of summer. When along with that it meant school was starting it wasn’t something I loved; but as I get older and summer becomes something I dislike more and more, Fall couldn’t be more welcomed. 

I’ve been working on making the perfect apple pie… and I think I’ve found my favorite recipe. Now I want to bake one everyday. The smell of it in my house is better than eating it, almost.

This is why we live here. It sucks when it snows for the 14th day, and the road are icy, and you can’t go anywhere. Yes I know. But I couldn’t bear to miss the changing of the seasons.  Heck I changed my calendar over to September a few days ago… on the 27th of August.  Simply because September sounds like fall. I know I shouldn’t rush life along, but when tomorrow means I get to go see my love bug on that little screen again at the doctor’s office I will rush it. I’m spending these pregnant months just dreaming of the next, and once this babe is here I will be begging God to stop time so my little one can stay just that… little.  

But for now my little one, in this season of life, we pray you keep on growing and stay right where you are. 

And while I wait I’ll burn my harvest sunset candle and have another piece of pie :)

Dude or Princess

I tried my very best to post about things in our life other than this growing baby… but I failed and here it is. 

I get asked a lot if I think I’m having a boy or a girl.
Most days I say boy. But both of my Grandmas continue to tell me they know it’s a girl, and come on, let’s be honest… they both have 5 kids. They know what they’re talking about… and I would go with their instincts above my own any day. We may, or may not, have a boy named picked out ( we have 1 we agree on at least! ), and maybe that’s leading to my believing it’s a little dude. (My girl name list is at least 8 long, and Wade doesn’t seem to be too thrilled with most of them) I may be dreaming it’s a boy (literally!), but for some reason that doesn’t keep me from typing things like flowered crochet hat, leg warmers, and newborn dress in the Etsy.com search slot almost daily.

mark my words… if it is a girl… THIS will be making its way to our door real soon!
and if it’s a he… my little snow bunny will be kept warm by THIS.  Oh I’m in love….

Well, in about 4-5 weeks we’ll all hopefully know what the verdict is!  ( I would love to know your guess:) comments please! )

No we’re not keeping the gender a surprise, but we are keeping the names a surprise. I’m awful… I mean really terrible… at keeping things to myself. So.. This should be interesting. At this point I’m still determined to give no clues even to names we like, so hopefully that’ll continue.

As far as the pregnancy… I think I’ve made it to that “honeymoon” period. I’m 15 weeks, and feeling a million times better than just a few weeks ago. I have energy again, and there are tons of foods I can eat compared to the first weeks. I might be almost (with the exception of Chinese food) a vegetarian for the whole pregnancy, but at this point… I’ll take anything over the way I was feeling! 

Sorry for the picture-less post… I know it’s lame. And kinda boring. I’ve been lacking big time in the picture taking department. We’ve been to Des Moines and Minneapolis in the last 8 days, and I honestly have a few blurry pictures from the concert, and no pictures from this weekend to show for it. But… The bathroom remodel is almost done! So those pictures will be showing up soon.
And possibly a few of my growing mid section:)

Foster Celebrations

This past 2 weeks has been a time of big changes at my parents house with their foster kids…

One huge change… we’re all missing Lacie love.
  Lacie went to live with an aunt and uncle. (and their 3 small kids) With one day of warning, she was picked up and gone. There was hardly time to be sad, or say goodbye.  That 2nd part I didn’t do… I’m not good at that goodbye part. I knew she wouldn’t understand, and all I would do was cry. We really have no idea how she is doing, but pray Lacie Lou is in the right place. This family did have hopes of adopting Lacie, and keeping her, so for the time being we all just hope she is in her permanent home. 
Gabby and Lacie cuddling in Gabby’s bed Lacie’s last night at their house.

Big news in Gabby’s life…. Kindergarten! In one week, she will start school. And her school bag is packed and ready, and if you stop over to visit she will show you each and every thing in her bag. She is a sponge, and is going to learn so much.

This past Saturday was Senia’s first birthday, and we couldn’t let it pass with out a party.
She was such a pretty girl in her tutu that Kelsi and I made for her the night before.
  Um, please don’t touch that fire… This picture was before she realized 25 people were staring at her, got scared, and started to scream… poor girl. :) Unlike most children, the spotlight is not where she wants to be. Senia now says ma ma ma, and crawls all over. Much improved from the 8 month old who couldn’t even sit up when she came. She had literally no core muscles because she had been left in her car seat for the first 5 months of her life. She’s making up for lost time, that is for sure.

This weekend…

…the Kroeze train will pull out of the station and will be traveling, well.. for a while. Some how every weekend for the next month or more just got really filled up in my little planner.  The state fair is the first stop, which includes a concert by 2 of my favorite men… Keith Urban and Kris Allen ( American Idol winner from last season)
Anyway… We’ve had our share of home owner mishaps in the past week, and I’m ready to get out of here.

No that is not shiny carpet… it’s water of course on top of our carpet.

If you live in the Midwest this is no surprise, and I will not bore you, and complain about the water in our basement. Everyone is in the same boat. :) oh I had too… or how about, when it rains it pours… literally.
and figurativly at our house!
So, Wade was home from work for 2 days gutting our previously finished basement. (along with so many awesome awesome people who came to help… we can not say THANK YOU enough) Luckily, we rarely use our basement, and will be waiting til fall to redo what was damaged.
Wade’s man cave has seen better days…. and he is such a good husband. Through this all he’s told me over and over that I’m just not allowed in the basement. He would rather clean it up and fix it, than see my reaction to the mess I think… Thank you for that babe.

Monday we had a carbon monoxide leak…
and now our water heater needs to be replaced.
See I told you. Home owner mishaps… more like home owner meltdowns from this home owner. Oh yea, did I mention we’re having our house shingled in a month or so? or how about that we have a new counter top and sink for our bathroom sitting in the garage. Our bathroom was a pre-flood project; now on hold.
hmmm… where is that money tree I planted?

I’m dreaming of spending our savings on tiny baby clothes, and a crib, and diaper bags…..
not carpet, water heaters, and shingles… 

I’m a worrier… and normally I would be worrying about money right now. But I’m not… right now I’m high on love for this babe in utero, and to be honest, not much takes me down from this place of excitement, and peace, and humility. I still wake up and cannot believe God would bless us in this way. I don’t care if we have to take our baby home to a card board box at this point… We’ll still be a family. Boy something about having to untie your pants when you sit down does something to make you mushy…  

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." - Isaiah 55:12