happy THANKSgiving

How do you even begin to list the things you are thankful for…

THANKFUL;
1: conscious of benefit received
2: expressive of thanks
3: well pleased : glad

Wade and I have been trying to come up with that list, and after looking up the actual definition of “thankful”… I don’t think we can even begin to understand the blessings we have been given. But here’s our joint (yes!) attempt…

***

-A warm house, especially tonight when it’s freezing outside!

- Jobs: with co-workers who are so willing to help us, and have helped us so much in the past couple weeks. We don’t know what we would have done without flexible jobs, co-workers, & customers.

-Family: We have been told “let me know if there is anything I can do for you” multiple times… a day(sometimes an hour) . And you all mean it. We can’t thank you all enough for the love you have shown us. I know that sounds cliché… but today as life starts to settle into it’s normal rhythm, we realize even more the sacrifices you’ve all made. And you made them just simply for our comfort.

-Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade…it’s nice to feel 8 years old again.

-Love: I came across this quote,
"Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality." -Emily Dickenson
 and I’ve become obsessed with how real it is.  Emily Dickenson, I am ashamed to say, I know very little about you, but you got something good going on here. It is so true.

- Friends: You are our family too… really. You have been there, in every way possible for us in the past months. We are lucky to have friends who sit with you, cry with you, pray for you… and are willing to drop anything they are doing to be with you.

-168 perfect days with our sweet boy. And the gift of life. Every single life is a gift, no matter how long or short. Treasure every life you are blessed to be a part of today.

-A loving God: He loves Jude even more than we do. It is impossible for me to fathom that… and then to think that he loves us all with that same passion. Just like Wade and I would have done for Jude, God would never let anything happen to us that isn’t for the best. Being a Mom gives me such a better understanding of God’s unconditional love…
-An understanding God: He knows our pain. He too gave up his son once…
-A patient God: When I am angry, and frustrated, and bitter… he’s still that same loving God. 
-A God of hope: You give us the ability of have a hope for our future. We know we will see Jude again again one day.

-Technology: Wade will think it’s funny that I would add this to my list. I sit here yelling at my computer, well… often. He tells me “it’s the one using it… not the computer.”
He is probably right, but tonight I’m thankful for this opportunity to write, and share our hearts, and that we got to share Jude with all of you.  And speaking of that…

-Community: This blogger community, our small town community, our church community… all of you! Wow.. we have been blown away with the generosity of almost strangers. We feel like we have not done a very good job of returning messages, (we are reading it all, I promise!) but we are so touched by your words.

Okay I know, it’s a busy day… and this is getting long. Well don’t let the turkey burn, we’re almost done.

-free speech, apple pie (that I about burnt my house down tonight baking..yes, I had to open windows because smoke was filling my house. oops), Christmas lights, the men & women who serve our country, spice scent candles, set-the-mood-music, our nieces & nephew, grocery lists full of items for Christmas cookie baking, indoor plumbing… in no particular order.   

I just feel so lucky tonight. We survived this far. I will tell you there have been minutes and hours in the last week, filled with the kind of sorrow I didn’t know you could recover from. I know there will be moments where that grief overtakes me again, because the way I miss my baby is unbearable.
But tonight as I sit with my fingers at this computer, I feel like life is about to pick me back up. As much as I want to feel sorry for myself like something was taken from me, I know in my heart that is totally not true. What we have been given in the last months, has been so much greater than what we lost.

And we will be THANKFUL for that.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail. 
They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness. 
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
   to the one who seeks him; 
it is good to wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.
For no one is cast off
   by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, 
so great is his unfailing love.
Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32

Happy Thanksgiving!
all our love,
The Kroezes

6 hours

The 6 hours I spent with little Jude changed everything. After days of waiting, he finally came…

Friday, November 19, 2010
2:43pm
1 pound, 1 ounce
10 inches

The first days in the hospital, I hardly cried. I just wanted to see my baby. I didn’t care what that meant… I just wanted to hold him, and see his face.
But when I knew that time was close, I changed my mind. As much as I wanted to see him, it dawned on me that when he was here… it was the beginning of the end of my time with Jude. Up until then, he had never left me… ever. and the thought of him being physically away from me was something I had not prepared myself for. I knew they would give us “as long as we wanted” with him… but then again, forever wasn’t an option; and as far as I was concerned, anything short of that was going to kill me.

And so at 2:43 it began. She brought my boy to me, and laid him in my arms. We held him, and kissed him, and cried.  Nothing in all this world could have prepared me for how I would feel when I saw his teeny tiny body.  How badly I wanted to yell at someone, “do something. Fix
him”. I didn’t know you could love someone that much.

When we had taken lots of pictures, and fascinated over every little finger and toe, it was time to share him. His grandparents, and aunts, and uncles, and best friends came into the room where Jude was born, and held him. They all told us how perfect he was… and he was.
Jude was baptized in a tiny white little “tux” I called it.  He was wrapped in the fuzzy white blanket his grandma made him… but the whole time the time bomb in the back of my mind was ticking.

After everyone had held him, I just needed to be alone with my baby again. Wade, Jude, & I spent another hour alone in our room… just the 3 of us. The way it was supposed to be. We laughed, and cried… we took pictures, and home videos. Things that will forever be only ours. Of our time with our boy. I studied his face over, and over, and over. I knew that would my last minutes seeing that sweet face on earth, and I wasn’t about to miss a detail.

The nurse told us, “There’s no hurry, but just push the call light when you’re ready, and I’ll come get him.”  
When I’m ready…
well that was easy. Never.
no, please no. I’m going to forget his face. I’m going to forget how he feels in my arms, and how heavy he is. I won’t be able to remember every finger, and the hair on his head.
The list grew in my mind. I wanted to start my 6 hours over again… the time bomb ticked even louder.

It was then that Wade carried me. He took Jude out of my hands, and told me “this isn’t really him babe. He’s been with Jesus for days.”  Wade kissed me, and kissed our son. And we said goodbye, for now.
And I did push that button.
She came… and Wade handed our baby to her.
She smiled at us, and turned and walked out the door.
And if Wade had not been sitting next to me in that bed, holding me tight, I’m pretty sure I would have gotten up, and ran through the hospital like a mad woman looking for my baby. I’m his mommy, he needs me. For one more kiss…just one more minute.

But I had to let him go now. One more minute would not make this easier. I would not bring him back, or make him healthy. Jesus had already done that for me.

Never in my life have I been tested the way I was on Friday, November 19. Physically, emotionally, spiritually… It was with out a doubt, the hardest day of my entire life.
I would love to tell you, after he was gone, life has just magically gotten easier. I would love to tell you that God’s presence has been so great I have never felt alone. But none of that would be true. We know we are being carried. God has not left us for a second… not before we knew Jude, or that day we had with him, or a minute since. I will write one day, about how  much God moved us, and changed us, and taught us. Today just isn’t that day. Not yet. Right now the pain is too real to be able to step away from it, and look back, and see those kinds of things.

Today I have to finish the funeral plans for my son.  I will lay in bed again today covered in Jude’s blankie, feeling my aching body… and replay those 6 hours over and over to keep it real. 

Jude, there is one thing I need you to know now. I would do it all again. I would go through the last 2 months… and the last 5 days… I would relive it all again for those 6 hours. 
The 6 hours I had with you.  

“Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.” – Emily Dickenson

168 days

Jude is with Jesus now.
He is perfect, and healthy, and healed.

We had 168 days with him.
The best 168 days of my life.

“It is not the length of life, but the depth of life.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

the things I wanted to tell you

Jude, it’s 2:00 in the morning. Your daddy is off playing dodge ball (at the annual “lock-in”) with the junior high kids we spend every Wednesday night with at youth group. While I’m waiting for him to come home, I can’t help but lay in bed tonight, and think of all the things I want you to know.
First, and most importantly…
Mommy & Daddy absolutely cannot wait to see you again one day. I don’t have to tell you how great heaven will be, or how much God loves you because you will get to experience that, and know it all first hand before I even do. 
Your grandmas would have spoiled you rotten. They both are not very good at telling your cousins “no”… and I know you would have been no exception to the Grandma breaks all the mommy/daddy rules rule.  Their hearts hurt as much as mine does. Because they’re some of the best moms in the world, and they care about us as much as we care about you.
I would not have been a perfect mom.
I would have cursed under my breath when I slipped out from under the warm blankets to get you when you woke up for the 4th time at night, and I had to work in the morning. I would have sat on the bathroom floor and tried not to cry when I realized my hair hadn’t been washed in 3 days, and I didn’t have the time to shower before work, again. Right now it’s easy to have this “babies are an absolute perfect miracle” perspective, but I already know there will be a day when I take your brothers & sisters for granted because being a mom is hard. Help me remember this okay?
You spend all your time with me right now, so I know you already know this… but dude, your mommy and daddy love each other so much. We love each other more than we did even a month ago, and it’s because of you.  While the statistics of young couples who have to say goodbye to their children are sad ones, I promise you we’re not going to be a part of that. We promised for better, or for worse. We didn't know what that "worse" would be, but the promise will hold true. And we won’t be one of those statstics, because your Daddy makes me laugh, all the time, even now. I know you would have been funny like him.

I know Mommy cries sometimes right now… but please Jude know that you are nothing but joy to us.  We cry because we had big hopes for our lives together that we won’t get to see come true, but God’s big hopes for you were so much better than ours anyway.

You have touched lives. People around this world are following your story, and praying for you, and for Mommy & Daddy.  There are people in South Korea, and Africa… people in Colorado, and California who love you… mommy is so humbled by how God used your little life, to touch so many big lives.
Thank you. Thank you for making me appreciate so many small things in life. For each minute of the day. Thank you for being so strong. There have been days when I felt like I was so weak, and yet you continue to grow and fight. You have been Mommy’s strength. You are perfect.
You are our miracle. Every single minute of your life you have been loved Jude Willem. Mommy & Daddy will love you forever.

These new photos are from Rachel Ebel Photography. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Rachel… Anyone who knows me know how much I love a good picture. And these will be a treasure to Wade & I for the rest of our lives.

the end… his beginning

I think it was more a mother’s intuition than anything else that led me to feel like I was losing my baby this past weekend. Monday that intuition was confirmed by technology; that the end was near… and my heart will never be the same.

Here we are almost a week later… I haven’t sat down at this computer to write anything for 8 days because my brain is numb. I continue to wake up and shower, get dressed, eat, work, talk, keep moving one foot in front of the other… because I’ve done this for 24 years before this one, and my body knows how. My brain on the other hand… is in another place. It’s a place of survival I guess.

Jude is just too sick. We knew he was sick before, but now he doesn’t have much time in his mama’s belly left. His heart is failing… and he has edema. Basically, he’s filling up with fluid and his poor little heart can’t take it. And it’s slowing down. Well let me tell you something little buddy, your mommy’s heart can’t take it either.  Fortunately, my heart is healthy & strong, and will continue to beat even when I don’t have the will to make it.  I haven’t felt him kick or move for 5 whole days now. Every morning my eyes open, and my hands go instantly to my belly as they have for months now… and the lump where your little butt is sticking out is always in the same spot now. It’s in the same spot because you no longer move…

and so we wait. We go back and forth to the doctor’s office frequently, just to check. I can tell you, I never know what I’m going there hoping to find. I hate to even look at the screen and see him there, still… just the flicker of his heart. “He’s still with us”.  He is so strong… and so I will be strong too. For him… for all of us.

I don’t need to go on and tell you how much my heart hurts. How much Jude’s Daddy’s heart hurts. This week my tears have not been for me. They are for Jude.  I want to fix him. I want to hold him tight, and kiss him, and tell him everything will be okay. But I’m not going to get to do that.

Because Jesus will do it for me.

While I can’t imagine my life with out Jude in it, and am terrified to think of what my future will be like… I don’t have to worry about Jude’s future. It’s going to be a million times better than anything I could have ever given him.
This is simply the beginning of his life.
His perfect life as my little angel.

the secret place

The doctors that we have caring for Jude are some of the smartest people in the world, I’m sure. They have had years and years of training, and experience to know how to best do their jobs. The technology that they use is beyond belief. It is so incredible the things that they can look at, and do while Jude is in-utero. They can show us, and tell us about each and every little detail of his brain, and heart, and bones, and organs….. in 5 days we go back for a fetal MRI, and an echo. Unbelievable. The medical technology we have available today is so advanced it is almost unfathomable.  

For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.      Psalm 139 13-16

Here is my point: They don’t know it all…because they are human.
All the medical technology in the world can not do what God does everyday. No doctor can explain it. I love that where it says “I was made in the secret place”. This is a sacred place we’re not supposed to understand. God is working. He is still busy working to create Jude, exactly the way he wants him. He’s not done yet. And while the doctors see problems, and know things are not as they are “supposed to be” for a healthy baby… He’s not done yet.

I don’t want you to for one second thing this is anything against our doctors. We couldn’t be more thankful for them. They are doing everything they can to help us, and their skills and abilities are a gift from God.  The technology is a gift from God. It gives us a chance to be prepared for what is to come, and to prepare for our future with or with out Jude.

That all being said, I should admit I’m getting more and more nervous for all these big tests on Tuesday. This is kind of it. They will give us a prognosis for Jude’s life after these tests, and honestly I’ve been gaining hope the last few weeks, and I’m not ready for that truth. I love my days feeling him moving, and knowing that he is growing. I hate to see time moving on … I hate that October is over, and it’s been 5 weeks since we found out he was sick. And while I absolutely can not wait to hold him, and see his sweet face…. that will be a day of uncertainty.  I can go on and on and tell you how much I trust God, and know his plan is perfect (and I do know that)…. but at the end of the day I just want to keep him. He’s my little boy, and nothing in this world could make me ready to give him up. If I could stop time I would. I would make November 4 here to stay… for a very long time. I would put up with my hair falling out, the bags under my eyes, and this newly formed kidney pain in my left side forever… if I could just keep my 1 pound baby in the secret place… forever.

the little creatures

These little zoo animals have lived with my parents for 6 months. 
Gabby & Senia… you are a very cute giraffe & skunk. 

Jude (25ish weeks) in his Halloween costume.  He too did a little trick-or-treating with his friends… and ate a little candy:) Maybe it is the recent abundance of candy at our house, but he is one crazy man. He moves and kicks constantly. He hasn’t officially been weighed/measured in almost 3 weeks, but I can tell you he is growing, and getting stronger!

And then we tried to take a group picture of the little trick-or-treaters.

The bug. The Giraffe. Little Red Riding Hood.1 year olds are stinkin cute.
But honestly obviously, probably hate Halloween. 
“You put me in this dumb costume that I can’t move in, you let me take candy from strangers, and then you take it away before I get to eat anything.” 
This has to top the list of Halloween pictures…
 “What on earth are you?” :)

poor kitty cat.
Daisee begged me for days to put her in this princess costume.. I swear.
Hope you all had a Happy Halloween!