October 15, 5 years ago.

this morning I found this picture of Wade and I, the day we found out we were pregnant for the first time. It was almost 5 years ago.

We had been married a little over a year, and we were sure we had the greatest years of our lives ahead.
it hadn’t crossed my mind that anything could go wrong.


When I go back and think about those days, I wonder what I would tell myself if I could go back.  
What would I have said to help myself prepare for the things that were to come?

I could tell my 23 year old self to not hold on so tightly to my hopes and dreams.
I could tell myself make the most of the moments I had being pregnant, because they would end too soon.
I could tell myself that I would miscarry our first baby while throwing a baby shower at my house for 2 of my  best friends.
I could tell myself that this would not be the last time I would miscarry a baby.
I could tell myself that doctor’s offices and ultrasounds would eventually cause me great anxiety.
I could tell myself that even harder, darker days are ahead in our journey to add to our family.

But I wouldn’t, even if I could.

Because if I had known, I would have missed out on so much.

I wouldn’t have this picture of a tiny baby hand on the shelf in my living room. 
I would have missed the tiny baby kicks, and flips Jude would do in my tummy.
I am so glad I didn’t get the chance to miss that.

What things in your life would you have missed out on if you had known how hard it would be to get there? 
There is GRACE in the unknown, if we chose to accept the HOPE that God readily supplies.
It doesn’t make it any easier to understand when the bottom falls out.  But, it means that WHEN the bottom falls out, there is still hope. God longs to restore the broken, I truly believe that. I also have begun to understand more and more that we may never see (on earth) that restoration happen.

But guess what…

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world."  -John 16:33

He (who also happened to have created the world) has over come it!
And while we waste away with worry, and fear (at least I feel like I am!) He is preparing a place where it will be no more.
No more Ebola, abuse, cancer, ISIS, negativity, shame, miscarriage, fear, infidelity…
…that is where my hope lives. that someday, even if it’s a long time from now, all will be made new.  
I will hold Jude (and my other babies) again. someday.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
5  years ago I had never heard of such a thing.
But today at our house we are remembering our babies that aren’t here with us, and holding the ones tighter who are.
and thanking God for His grace to get us this far. 

28 things.

Since almost every post these days are filled with pictures of girls who are exponentially cuter than I am, I decided that I would write a post about me.
So, for my 28th birthday, here are 28 facts about me. 

 
1. I listen to the 90’s pop station on Pandora. It makes me feel like I’m 13 again, and I love that.

2.  I have gray hairs. Not just 1. Multiple gray hairs. 

3. My sister moved to Minneapolis 2 years ago, and I still hate that she lives 4 hours away. We snap chat, text, and facetime each other all day long. (she was so kind of help me come up with these “facts”. Of course I edited the swear words out of her ideas)

4.  I am the least competitive person in the world.

5. I’m annoying obsessed with the Duggers.

6. I have learned to accept it, but I will never be content with my girls’ toys scattered ever.y.where in this house.  clutter makes me bonkers.  



7. I heart coffee.  I make regular old Folgers every morning, but I love a french vanilla latte if I go to a coffee shop. 

8. I was on the basketball, volleyball, and golf teams in high school, but I’m pretty sure I would have been a better cheerleader. (see #4)

9. I am still friends with people I was friends with when I was in elementary school.

10. My favorite book to read before bed these days is a cook book.

11. When I was in middle school, I would wait for a night when my whole family would be gone, and I would stay home alone and decorate the house for Christmas. I’m pretty sure I have always been obsessed with the “the holidays”, and am sincerely thankful to God for giving me a child who has a natural “Christmas spirit”. On October 1, I said to Larkin, “ Today is the first day of October”, and she screams, “It’s time for Christmas!”. #favoritechildaward



12. We sleep with a quilt on our bed that my grandma made for me when I was 4. That makes those pink and purple pastel hearts 24 glorious years old. Wade was hesitant (what? ) to put it on our bed after we got married, but it only took him one night to understand why I will never let that baby go.

13. I never ever imagined how many logistics would come with being an adoptive mom. particularly raising kids who are another race. Sometime I just wish I could be their mom, and it could be that simple.

14. I am always excited for football season in theory… but am quickly reminded how sick of it being on TV I get.

15. I have a spray paint fetish. I regularly take decorations off my walls (Or a table. or a chair), and paint them a new color. 

16. I have 5 nephews, and 5 nieces. (plus one more on the way)

17. I hate any TV show, or movie that has violence in it. I want no physical fighting, conflict, or killing. My general movie rule is that I feel better when it’s over than when it started.  

18.  I am freaked out at the thought of my girls growing up. I am positive that I am inadequate to be the parent of a teenager.  This world is full of yuck, and I want so badly to protect them from it.  I would prefer to keep my parenting woes to, don’t lick that railing! get off your sister! don’t eat that dog food!

19. If I had to choose one form of social media it would be instagram.

20. I am a hair stylist, and I keep my hair a medium length, and medium brown. (boooring) I also despise blow drying my own hair.  

21. One of my biggest struggles is just to be content in this moment. I always am planning, and waiting for “the next thing”. I spend so much time wishing away the season of life that I am in, that I miss so much of what is going on around me right now.

22. Needtobreathe is my favorite band ever.  

23. I almost always will pick salty over sweet. Nachos are the way to my heart.
23b. I have been on a diet for the last 2 months, and I honor of my birthday I have already had 2 donuts, a cookie, and cupcake today. (it’s 11:30am)

24. We have had 2 “gender mix ups” out of 3 babies.  They told us Jude was a girl, and Lola was a boy.

25.  Wade and I started dating in April of 2007, got engaged in February, and married in October of 2008…. and I thought that was WAY too long to wait. I was ready to marry him after a few months of dating.
but I have since learned that Wade needs to research every single aspect of something before he makes a decision. I, on the other hand, do not shop around. I generally know what I want, and if I find it, I’m done. I guess that is true if we’re ordering lunch, buying furniture, or picking a spouse! 

26. I have learned more about God’s goodness in the hard times of my life than I have in the best times.   

27.  I am feeding my girls peanut butter sandwiches tonight, dropping them off at grandma’s (thanks mom!)  and going out for greasy appetizers with my handsome husband. #bestbirthdayever

28. I can’t even put into words how blessed I am to have Wade, Larkin, & Lola in my life everyday. 

our gymnast.

I think as soon as she was able to talk, Larkin started asking if she could be in gymnastics. She “played gymnastics” every day for the last 6 months, waiting to be 3 years old, and finally old enough to be in gymnastics classes.  

this is the smile of a girl who finally made it to “gymnastics day!”

lazy applesauce

I would actually make this just for the smell that fills my entire house…. but the bonus is, you have homemade applesauce when it’s done. win win, folks.

this is a really “exact” recipe… so be prepared to write it down.

A bunch of apples, peeled, cored, and chopped into pieces. 6-12 apples to make enough to keep in your fridge. more if you want to freeze some.  (if you buy them from the store, buy a variety of kinds. Some red, some green for a mix of sweet and sour)
1/2 cup of water
1 tablespoon cinnamon (I like a lot of cinnamon… you  may want a less)
1 teaspoon almond extract

Mix those 4 things in a crock pot, and turn it on low for a couple of hours. 

the applesauce makin’ help around here is second to none.

Once the apples are starting to get soft, take a whisk to mix it until the apples start to become saucy.
Whip that up until it’s as chunky, or chunk-less as you want it. I’m very technical in the kitchen, clearly.

This is the part where you want to take a big whiff, and smell that scent of fall goodness.  
Now is when you will need to taste it. I try to put as little sugar in it as possible, but if it’s pretty tart you will want to throw in a handful or 2.  With the extra cinnamon + almond extract it doesn’t seem to need as much sweetener as some apple sauces.  If its really thick, or pasty, you will want to keep adding water until it’s the consistency you want. I normally freeze it without sugar, and add some water and sugar before we eat it.


the finished product was Larkin approved.

the first party– Lola turns one

On the Night You Were Born {Lola’s first birthday}

On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, “ Life will never be the same.”
Because there had never been anyone like you… ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.
The sound of your name is a magical one. Let’s say it out loud before we go on.

It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze…
Over the ocean…
And through the trees…
Until everyone heard it and every knew. Of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes, such a nose, such silly wiggly, wonderful toes.
In fact, I think I’ll count to three so you can wiggle your toes for me.

When the polar bears heard, they danced until dawn.
From faraway places, the geese flew home.
The moon stayed up until morning next day.
And none of the ladybug flew away.

So whenever your doubt just how special you are and wonder who loves you, how much and how far,
listen for geese honking high in the sky.
They’re singing a song to remember you by.

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.
It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you.

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.
Listen closely… it’s whispering your name again.

If the moon stays up until morning one day, or a ladybug lands and decided to stay, or a little bird sits at your window awhile, it’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…

For never before in story or rhyme not even once up a time,
has the world ever known you, my girl, and it never will, not ever again…

Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born.

“On the Night You Were Born” By: Nancy Tillman

Happy, happy birthday, bug.

three.

 
fancy birthday breakfast… donut with rainbow sprinkles
I have never seen her as excited as she was the last few minutes before her party started. She was doing cart wheels, running circles around the living room giggling. I love that she is to an age where she can anticipate things that she is excited about. I absolutely love the “planning and preparing” part for anything exciting, whether it be a vacation, a meal, a party, etc…  so now I have someone to share in my excitement. (Try not to be jealous of my adventurous life, okay?)

her expressions say it all.
 

our attempt a family photo was unsuccessful. This was about as good as it got! 

Larkin, you are creative, and imaginative.
You are smart, and sassy.
You are loved, and cherished more than I could ever begin to tell you.
happy happy birthday sweet girl.