Pregnancy update: 18 weeks

 
18 weeks:
gender: unknown.. for a few more days!
baby's name: unknown… but will stay a surprise
baby's size: a sweet potato, 5 1/2 inches long from head to rump
food cravings: cereal, watermelon, and anything with lots of sugar in it, fountain pop (at least I crave healthy stuff…… )
food aversions: I used to always choose salty over sweet… and now salty food is not appealing
sleep: I still sleep great (I will thank my girls for that) except for getting up to use the bathroom multiple times a night
movement: not too much. I notice little movements here and there, but nothing obvious or regular
maternity clothes: I have put away all of my regular pants except one pair of jeans that still tie. I wear a mix of maternity shirts, and my regular shirts that were long/bigger to start with.  p.s. I will wear only maternity leggings forever and ever more.
morning sickness: except it was all day. and all night.  But it is mostly gone now! 
 
I figured that being pregnant while chasing a toddler + preschooler would make the time fly by, and that has proven to be the case the last 2 months. The first months were L.O.N.G. I was felt sick pretty much every minute I was awake, and so tired I couldn't function. Slowly, but thankfully! surely energy has returned to normal (like I had any before with a 3 & 1 year old?) and I can go through most of the day without nausea.

We have an ultrasound on Friday afternoon, where they will do a growth & anatomy scan.  This was the scan where they found many things that were not right when I was pregnant with Jude, and so of course we are very anxiously awaiting this appointment. I know with my whole heart that God does not make mistakes, and that this baby is no different. We are hopeful. We have no reason to think anything is wrong, but of course I've gone through every scenario in my mind. the good, the bad, the worst. I've spent nights laying in bed fighting back tears thinking about how much Larkin's heart would be broken with bad news about this baby she already adores. I've put off physically preparing our house for the baby, just in case. I am so hopeful that after this appointment that so much of the fear and anxiety will be erased. This can be a new season for us, a season of life and hope because we know that God can restore what has been broken.

Will you pray for us? for the doctor, nurses, & ultrasound tech? for this sweet baby?

For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19

Psalm 139. and pregnancy #4

It took us many months to decide if we would try to get pregnant again.  When the conversation started to get more real, I made a doctor's appointment. I talked to my doctor, and when we started going over my history I cried.  I apologized, and said that that wasn't really like me.  I couldn't believe how overwhelmed I felt to be sitting in a doctor's office, talking about being pregnant again. I'd spent the last 2 1/2 years in a blissful mommy world where I wasn't taking pregnancy tests, or getting my blood drawn, or always wondering what would happen next.  After that doctor's appointment we waited a few months, and did some fertility testing. Those tests came back normal. (which was great news. except for we were still left with no answers)  I had gotten very comfortable living in this place where I felt "in control" (which is a joke of course), and as much as I wanted another baby… I wasn't sure I was ready to step out from there. We decided that in 2015, we would  "see what happens".

but before I could even chicken out, I was standing in my bathroom on a Sunday morning in February holding a positive pregnancy test, deciding if I should wake Wade up to tell him, or just give myself an hour for the shock to wear off. 
 
We were so thankful, and excited. getting pregnant wasn't always that easy for us.
But I was scared. Scared of how this pregnancy would end. Scared of having 3 kids 4 and under. Scared to find out how much anxiety would come along with each week of pregnancy, and how I would cope with that.

Psalm 139: 13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

But before that, in verses 11 & 12 it says…

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

I had always skipped over those verses before. Surely the darkness will hide me? The light become night around me? Those were the exact things I was thinking this time…. because along with a positive pregnancy test, for me… comes darkness. 
I know God doesn't make mistakes, but if He gave us another baby, just to take it away, could I still believe that His "works are wonderful"?  If everything went wrong, would I still know He was good?


I was (and still am) sometimes stricken with fear about this pregnancy.  I am fighting the urge to allow myself to be filled with anxiety, because there are no guarantees. It doesn't matter what the statistics say, or how many online forums I read, or how much morning sickness I have. I am being faced daily with a choice of succumbing to the fear of another loss, or choosing joy in this new life He gave.

"even the darkness will not be dark to you...for darkness is light to you"


at 12 weeks, our little babe was moving like crazy. We could see its nose, fingers, knees, and little heart beating away. The doctor told us his goal for us is to have a "boring pregnancy", and he said this looks about as boring as it comes.

Had we never known the darkness around us, we surely could not enjoy the light.
Even the brightest light would not seem to shine the same, had we never known the darkness before it.
This baby, this pregnancy, is that much sweeter.
that much brighter
because while I still sometimes have moments in darkness, that dark can become the light, with the right perspective of who God is.  

"Adoration makes walking with God more than just reacting to a series of externals. Adoration calls the circumstance, no matter how high or low, into proper submission in our hearts. Adoration roots us in a reality that no amount of pain and no amount of blessing can shake. Adoration steadies us. It repatterns our thinking. Adoration aligns us under Him. This is the place where life is found."
–Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, by Sara Hagerty

To the Mom who has lost a child,

I recently wrote this letter for our local newspaper, for moms who have lost a child… as part of series of "mom topics" that are not commonly talked openly about.

To the mom who has lost a child,
It's probably still hard to believe that this happened to you. This kind of bad stuff only happens to someone else. But here you are; empty handed, broken hearted, because this baby that you loved so much, and desperately wanted, is gone. I know how it feels. It wasn't supposed to happen to me either. This wasn't the way I had planned for my pregnancy to go. It wasn't supposed to end like this.

I know a piece of you is gone now. If your loss is recent, you still have no idea how you will ever feel like yourself again. Here is the thing: You probably won't. You are not the same as you were before. And right now, that is not comforting, because when the grief is fresh and so intense you cannot breathe, you only wish you could go back. But trust me when I say the new you can be a better version. This loss will make you softer and more understanding...if you let it.

Good things can come from the brokenness. God brings redemption through our stories, like He brings spring after the winter. This winter, this season of loss, may be long. It may be the loneliest time of your life, because it feels like no one understands. Be honest with yourself about your grief. It may feel different than you thought it would, or than how someone else did. But each life (not matter how short) deserves to be grieved. As others around you move on and forget, it's okay for you to linger there. Never feel guilty about how you grieve, because a mother's love doesn't know height, or depth, or length of time.

God can redeem your story, and heal you brokenness, because He too loved your baby. And He loves you too much to leave you broken. When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece.... then, when you are finally put back together, you're different. The scars you are left with are a reminder of not only what was lost, but also of all you have to lose.  Now you can love differently. Better. Because you know just how fragile life is.
so when you feel like you can't keep going because you miss your baby so much, please don't stop. Chose to find joy IN the frailty of life, because God is still good. You may have to look harder for it today, but maybe tomorrow it will be easier to find.
There are better days ahead. Spring is coming.

Easter Surprise

  These two can't wait to be big sisters in October!

spring chicken

This was the day the tiny, 2 sweet yellow chicks came to our house.  They were so calm, and quiet.

Fast forward a week, and Sky & Chick-a-leta (too much Paw Patrol) are wild and crazy. Squawking, pecking, and pooping everywhere in sight. Good thing they will reach their final destination of the farm on Sunday. It is a task just to catch one in the box, and hold it still enough for the girls to pet it. it's almost comical how afraid of the chicks Lola is. She is a dare devil, and doesn't really seem to be afraid of anything… but apparently a tiny yellow bird with freakishly large feet she does not appreciate. I was a little bit afraid she would squeeze one to death, so it's probably in the best interest of the birds that Lola remains afraid.
We're going to tell the girls that the chicks delivered the eggs for their Easter baskets on Easter morning, but I have a feeling our smarty pants 3 year old will see right through that story.

frosted banana bread cookies

{for the first day of Spring}

One of my favorite things is my Grandma's banana bread. I have her recipe, and I can't get it right. It's just not the same… but a while ago I found this recipe for banana bread cookies, and while they are not the same as Grandma's bread, they are so good.

COOKIES:
3/4 C butter flavored shortening
3/4 C sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 C mashed bananas
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp soda
2 C flour

FROSTING:
1/2 C butter
6 Tb brown sugar
4 Tb milk
3 1/4 C powdered sugar

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Cream 3/4 C butter flavored shortening and 3/4 C sugar together in your stand mixer or large mixing bowl. Add 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla and beat it for an additional 2 minutes.
3.  Peel the bananas and mash them. You’ll need 1 C total. (Brown bananas will be best, because they are the sweetest)
I gave Larkin the job of mashing the bananas, and she told asked me why I burned them first :)
Add them to the mixing bowl and beat to combine.
4. Into a small mixing bowl combine 1/4 tsp salt, 1 tsp baking soda and 2 C flour.
5. Add the dry ingredients to the mixing bowl and mix until combined. The dough will be sticky and slightly thick.
6. Spray the inside of a kitchen scoop with cooking spray and a large cookie sheet with cooking spray as well and scoop the dough out onto it.
7. Bake for 8-9 minutes or until the cookies are golden brown along the bottoms. Remove them to a cooling rack and allow them to cool completely.

8. Make the frosting while the cookies are baking.
Place 1/2 C butter, 6 Tb brown sugar and 4 Tb milk into a medium-sized sauce pan.
Melt them together on the stove top.
9. Pour 3 1/4 C powdered sugar, 1/4 tsp vanilla and dash of salt  into the melted ingredients and whisk it well to combine.
Let the frosting sit for about 10 minutes. It seems like a lot of frosting, but it gets thicker as it cools.

Christmas Morning

Christmas morning was so fun this year. The girls slept until 9:40 (Thanks to staying out at Grandma's house until 11pm on Christmas Eve).  I had consumed 3 cups of coffee, watched part of the Disney parade, made breakfast, figured out how to turn out TV into a fake fireplace, and drove my husband crazy all before they woke up. 

The rest of the day was eating, playing with new toys, and lounging around. During a busy busy season of the year (and season of life!) it was so nice to have some time at home with the 4 of us… pretending to sled in the house, playing with Legos & Play-doh, and staying in pajamas past noon.