6 months.

{seasons of change}

6 months ago today I held my baby. That day in the hospital when JUDE was born feels like it was a lifetime ago, and yet there are a few special moments that feel like they were just today. I love that time has passed, and as promised, God has taken the ashes in our life and turned them into beauty. We have been able to move on past the hard moments, and there are things that have escaped our minds and our memories, and we are thankful for that. I was afraid many months ago that I would forget him, and how he felt in my arms, and I have not. The good things, those memories remain, intact, vivid as the day it happened.  The God of this universe loves me enough to take my broken heart, and to repair it. And maybe even gave me a strength I did not possess before that hard season of my life.

I miss him. I miss him horribly. I wish more then ever that he was here, and that we could see him become a big brother. We wish that little miss would be able to know her big brother. But the longing I feel to have him in my life has become bearable. It feels almost normal, and that no longer feels like a dreaded life sentence, but it’s a welcomed part of who we are now. At some point or another after a loss in your life ( a loss of any kind..) you have to take the loss, and embrace it as who you’ve become. Jude is a part of us, and a part of this story.

Wade is so good at talking about him. I tend to keep my thoughts of him to myself when we are with groups of people, and I love that Wade speaks loudly and clearly of him regularly. His pictures have slowly but surely filled frames around our house, mixed with wedding pictures, and vacation pictures. All frames that hold memories. Memories that at one point hurt physically to look at day after day now make me smile as I pass by them in the hallway.
He’s here.
He’s present in our home, and in our hearts.