sometimes I…

am impatient.
to see her become a big sister.

Larkin and her baby “pete”.
#sisterphotochallenge

Today is the 2 year anniversary of “the referral call”. The one that changed almost every single aspect of our lives.

We had only waited 6 days. that’s 144 hours.
(in adoption world, that’s practically the speed of light)

As you can imagine, getting that call was no where on my radar, not yet. I had only known people who had waited months and years, and so “days” was not something I had even considered.

***

We’ve been waiting 4 months for our next baby...
There have been birthmom situations, and we’ve heard “We need your profile right away” more than once. We’ve gotten our hopes up, and been let down. We’ve felt confused, and misdirected, and worn. It is exhausting.

I’m the equivalent of a 1 year old throwing a tantrum these days.
{And trust me, I know what that looks like}

I want my way, and I want it now… and God continues to whisper… not yet.

I KNOW that there is an end to this.
And that end to this waiting will mean our child is in my arms.
But today, I feel like the ride to get there is so hard. It’s too unpredictable, too consuming, too slow, too painful, too refining, too expensive, too unpredictable.
oh yea, and too unpredictable.

My I’m-gonna-plan-everything-so-it-turns-out-just-right self is a mess. At the beginning of this adoption process I was calm, cool, and collected. I said things like “I can’t imagine life without Larkin, and I know God will bring us the right baby at the right time again.” now… I say, “I wanna quit. This is killing me. I just want my baby home today.” … See? Tantrum.

I am putting myself in time out now.

"When I am consumed by my problems – stressed out by MY life, MY family, MY job – I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice... Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what is happening in our lives. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s ok to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed. Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are?" [francis chan]